i miss my mommy
and how she was before i grew up
and got gay.
i think she hates me
but loves me
in a way that is so twisted.
she believes that how she treats me
will save me from
eternal damnation.
thanks mom,
but no thanks mom.
i wanna hate her,
wanna despise her so hard that every time i have a nasty thought
her head just buzzes like a cicada.
and i wish she'd just cicada my life
and not come back for 6 years.
i hate her,
i think.
but there's still this subconscious desire
to make her proud.
she'd tell me "good job"
and there'd be a giant flashing arrow above my head
and it'd read "mama's boy"
and i'd smile until my cheeks hurt
and never think about punching a wall ever again.
i'd hope and i'd maybe pray
to a god of some such
that she'd always revere me this well.
then i'd wake up and maybe punch a wall
because it'll never be real
and she'll suffocate me
