for some reason,
when i shower
i pull the most contemplative thoughts out of my mind.
it's like those magicians pulling scarves from their sleeves
except i am that magician
pulling sonnets and poems and intrusive thoughts from my head.
and the crowd goes wild for me
saying "look at this boy"
"this poor, poor boy"
because i'm just a sick child.
and you can't hurt a sick child,
right?
i'm sick and scared and drowning all over again
except this time
it isn't that water with a reflection
and it isn't those lifeguards who thought i was a joke.
it's my guilt,
regret,
fear,
and all the shitty memories that i pushed to the back of my head.
but they are never forgotten.
because science said so
i cannot erase them
i cannot gaslight them out of my head
i just have to live with the fact
that water is reflective sometimes
and water is wet other times
and that i can't always be right
no matter how badly i ache to be
because people don't care
because you're an asshole.
