i never learned how to swim.
so when i jumped off that diving board,
when i laughed and joked to my friends that i would die,
and rocketed myself off
into the deep end,
literally,
god, i was so ready.
i wanted that water to swallow me whole and never let my dead eyes feel the sunlight again.
and it's not a joke.
as much as i laugh about it,
that was not a joke.
i wanted to fucking kill myself.
that was a cry for help.
and i'm sorry, mom, that i didn't love my body
and that i did you such a fucking DISHONOR
by trying to find an out.
is it bad i still love to swim?
sometimes, i get that falling feeling
in the water.
i float on my back and let the water in my ears
and suddenly i'm that scared little boy all over again.
i'm a flighty cat over a bathtub full of soapy water.
i'm a bug landing in the open mouth of a kid.
i'm an insignificant little twelve year old jumping off a diving board into deep water because
mommy and daddy never taught me how to swim.
that lifeguard yanked me out of the water and made me cough up the water.
and i laughed at myself.
so it was just fine for everyone else to, right?
i cried when i got home
and never told my friends.
