Living with One Direction (Hariana)

-139-: It's my fault (November 2019)

"Mama, can you come play with me?" Alexandria asked as she had just started nursing Dylan.

"Lexi, I'm busy right now with Dylan. I'll play soon, okay?" She nodded sadly and went back through to the playroom. A few minutes past when she came bounding in again.

"Mama and I play now?" Ariana shook her head.

"Lexi, I'm still busy with Dylan," Ariana said and she left the room again. Another couple of minutes went by when she came back in.

"Mama? Can you come watch me play?" Ariana sighed.

"Lexi, I've already told you I'm busy with Dylan. Go play yourself while I'm dealing with Dylan and stop bugging me!" Ariana said and she ran out of the room.

Ariana knew that she had been too hard on her but it just came out. She had been feeling down and overwhelmed over the past few days and she just didn't know what to do. Ariana were a few months postpartum and she knew it wasn't Baby Blues as they occurred in the first two weeks.

Ariana picked up her phone and called Harry who was at the studio, taking advantage of some writing time.

"Hi baby," his raspy voice came through the phone. And just hearing it made Ariana burst out in a sob.

"Harry, can you come home? Please," Ariana heard murmuring and shuffling around, and then an engine come to life.

"Honey, what's wrong? Talk to me, is it Lexi or Dylan? Is everything okay?" Ariana shook her head.

"I don't know Harry. I snapped at Lexi and I don't know why. I feel so confused and overwhelmed. I can't do this Harry. I've tried and I can't," Ariana sobbed through the phone and place Dylan into the little bassinet she had in the living room.

"Baby, I'm almost home okay. Just wait for me ok. I love you," Ariana sobbed through the phone for another couple of minutes before she heard the door open and close. The line was disconnected and Harry ran into the living room.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Ariana shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know. I can't do this anymore Harry. Taking care of a 6-almost-7 year old is hard work, and then I have a baby on top of that. I snapped at Lexi because she wanted me to play with her. My daughter wanted to spent time with me and I snapped," Ariana just couldn't stop the flood of tears that were streaming down her face.

"Honey, I need you to listen to me okay? I think you may have a touch of Postpartum Depression. I want you to know that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's not your fault. Lots of women feel this way after pregnancy. We just need to get you to a doctor, ok?" Ariana nodded and wiped the tears away.

"Can you go check on Lexi please? Tell her that I'm sorry, but I don't want her to see me like this. I'm going to call Cheryl, get her to take me to the doctor. You stay in with the kids. I'll go express a few bottles," Ariana said and got up from the sofa.

Ariana knew there was something wrong with her, but she never in a million years could have ever imagined that she could possibly be diagnosed with PPD. It was something that her own mother had struggled with terribly. But she didn't get any help so the first 2 years of Ariana's life, she had been riddled with the terrible illness and didn't get any help, too ashamed to tell anyone that she felt she wasn't a good mother to her baby girl.

Ariana: Hey Cher. I need to go to doctors ASAP. Could you pick me up if you aren't busy? It's ok if you are x

Cher: Of course babe! Is everything ok? I'll be there in 10 x

Ariana: I'll tell you when I see you x

Ariana heard the horn from outside and she shoved the bottles in the fridge. Harry came downstairs as he must have heard the horn too and she didn't fail to notice the tear stains on his shirt.