The Sorrow in His Eyes: Regretful Husband

Chapter 9

Adam's POV

I look at Sophie expectantly, clutching in my hands the papers I've neatly organized all this past week. I am looking in her direction with desperate eyes. My mind feels so turbulent... I kept begging her in my thoughts for another chance, willing her to believe in me. I just needed one more chance to make things right with her.

Babe, believe in me... Sophie.... Please... believe in me! Don't give up on me... Sophie...

The papers I had in my hands were the ones I poured my errors and mistakes on. In these papers, I dissected my behavior, my actions, my thoughts, my conversations with that person, the talks with my teammates... I wrote everything down, till the last part I could remember. I've written an incredible 29 pages, on both sides and it was one of the most painful experiences to me.

I've spent long nights writing and reliving everything that went down. Each new memory was a painful reminder of how I had messed up things and had wronged my wife deeply... But I kept on writing nonetheless. I would write, swearing to myself, feeling ashamed of my actions. Sometimes I would tear some pages that went wrong and would write again, again and again. At the end of the day, I would have a sore hand, a sore heart and a troubled mind. But at least I had a better understanding of where I have failed her.

I discovered that I didn't know I was capable of doing so many bad and stupid sh***. I learned that my mind was capable of inventing the most imbecile propositions, in a way stupid ideas ended up looking like the best thing. I also learned that bad ideas, repeated many times, could become very attractive to one's imbecile mind, like it was the best decision ever. 

I discovered that I was an influenceable little shit, that would let other imbeciles get to me and make me start to wish for some fuck** up single life, the most fuc** up thing I've ever wished in my shit life.

I discovered that, if you give your mind the wrong information and the wrong ideas it's going to f*** you up royally one day. People who had ever committed horrible crimes didn't begin just that way. Someday, somehow, they started to mix with the wrong person or ideas, and then... Bam! Every bad shit in this world begins in a polluted mind, that's for sure.

I thought that I was weak, that I acted too confident and so on, but the mess I've made gone even deeper than that. Deeper than I would ever have thought it was possible. In my opinion, I just arrived one day at home and decided I was done with everything... Wrong. I've had months to consider and to make a decision. 

In my stupidity, I thought it was more shameful to tell my wife what was happening than to ask for a divorce. I know, I am an imbecile son of a bitch, but just now I am starting to understand how much of one I really am.

Now, I am looking at Sophie, expectantly, wishing this could be somehow good enough or, at last, good for something. That she would not kick me out again. That she would show me some glimpse of hope... Some glimpse I did something slightly right, for once in my life.

She is looking at her hands with a sad face. The face of a woman who cannot understand why this person she is talking to, her husband, would make a mess so big when everything had been so perfect between us. Why would he? She is thinking. Did I give him a reason? Did I do something wrong?

No, my love, no, you didn't!

I wanted to say this, how many times it was necessary. It was not her fault. It was not her doing. I am the bastard here.

But I know she questions herself too and I regret this... I regret making her doubt herself and her importance in my life.

"Babe..." I start hesitantly. "Tell me what you are thinking... Please, share your feelings with me. What do you think about... about my words?"

She remained silent for long minutes. 

Why would I think I could live without this woman, I can't even begin to understand!

I am a son of a B***H. That's what I am.

"Babe, tell me... Please, talk to me." I beg

"Adam," she starts with a teary voice. "Everything you've said is okay, it's much better than what you were saying the last time. It really shows that this time, you were capable of making some progress." She paused looking to her hands again. "But..."

Damn! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN

SHI* Shi* SHI* Shi SHI* Shi SHI* Shi

No no no no no no! Sophie no!

I am seated straighter now and all my muscles are protesting and recoiled with great stress.

Babe, no... Please no... Sophie.... Please don't!

She continues:

"But Adam, how will I be able to trust you again?" She asks me, looking profoundly into my eyes "You know, I was so happy, so happy that day when... When you said you wanted a separation. You don't know how happy I was. I was happy to be married, to have my babies home, to be able to cook for you all," she smiles a bit. "I was happy to live. Everything I had made me happy. I loved to be with you, to make love, to kiss. I loved to be married to you. I loved the fact you would come home and kiss me first thing. I loved the fact that you would hold me tight, and whisper dirty words in my ear every day. I loved that you promised to love me forever."

She paused, passing a hand through her hair. I clenched my teeth waiting for her next words.

"But one day Adam, my husband arrived home, without any warnings, and told me he wished to sleep with others, that he wished to live his life away from me. And that he thought he was wasting his time, by loving just me."

She shook her head like she found this utterly unbelievable.

"What can guarantee me, Adam, that, one day, while you are at the pharmacy and there is also a sexy beautiful lady in there, you are not going to fall in love with her immediately? What can guarantee to me that, if you go to the grocery store, you are not going to come back engaged to the cashier lady? Because, the last time I just heard the news, and didn't know a thing about the whens and whys. Why should I trust you now? You did nothing to prove you are different in any way."

I don't know. I don't know. I don't... I don't know. Babe, I am not going to... I would never do it!

I rise from the couch and go directly to her, kneeling at her feet and holding her hands in mine.

"Babe, my love," I say with desperation. "Tell me what to do! Tell me what to do! Anything you tell me, I will do. I will do it. Babe, just tell me what is it! Sophie... I am begging you... Tell me... Please babe....please."

"Adam..." She says with annoyance, turning her face away from me.

"Tell me," I insist with urgency. "If you tell me to leave the team, I will! If you tell me to stay home now, to cook, to clean, to take care of the kids, I will Sophie, just say the words! Babe, please, look at me, babe!" I urge her with a suffering voice.

"Babe, I am begging you, say anything. I will walk on my knees in front of this neighborhood. I will write another 29 pages with more things. Just tell me... Please tell me!" I finalized already desperate.

She rises from the couch, taking steps away from me.

"Sophie... No! No! No, babe..." I beg, hugging her stomach, trying to make her hear me out. She needed to understand I was willing to do anything for her.

"Adam," she says with a firm voice. "Stop it!"

I refuse to stop and remain on my knees, still holding her to me.

"It's your responsibility to give me answers, not mine!" She responds. "You need to tell me what you are going to do to be a better man and husband. I am not going to say a thing. You have to think about how you are going to prove yourself to me, understand? Now, you can leave."

No no NO NO NO NO. Sophie, don't!

"Babe, don't..!" I beg

"Leave, please," She demands again.

I remain in that same position for a few seconds, feeling more defeated than ever. I rise from where I was kneeling and look at her with pleading, begging eyes. She just ignores me and looks pointedly at the door.

I leave and I feel my hopes getting smaller and smaller.