Focus Henry

Spring Break

I've been waiting 3 months for this and I don't understand why I was so eager for this break. Don't get me wrong, it's nice not having to worry about school for a week or so, but it doesn't feel right. I never know what to do with myself. I just feel like I'm wasting the day away, you know? Watching TV in bed, watching videos on my phone, playing guitar, sleeping... they all have no academic use. All I've ever wanted to do was be good at something. But I realize that I can't just be good at something. I have to figure out what it is that I want to be good at. I mean, I take Choir fairly seriously because I really enjoy it, but it's not something that I will ever truly be good at. What about writing? Nah, I have too many flaws with that profession, too. Whatever that thing may be, it better be something that I truly want. Not what other people think I should be good at or want.
Don't mind me ranting about thoughts that I have throughout my day. I do apologize.
Life is something to do whatever it is you think you should live up to. In my eyes. What it is to other people, I have no clue. But I do hope they value it and cherish it. Live it for the people who can't. Breathe it for the people who can't. Smile for them. If you can't do it for you, do it for them. No one is perfect, okay? So don't be perfect. Be you.
I've been so hard on myself because I want others to be proud of me. But it's never the kind of praise I'm looking for. I will not share the type of praise I desire. Because that's when I stop trying. Till I receive it is when I stop being hard on myself. I'll be waiting.
It's kind of difficult to think of words that have been said more times than the word infinite. I know things I say don't make sense sometimes. But I do want you to know that I say them for a reason. Not because I want attention or for someone to hear me. I say them because I don't want someone to feel the way I do. Ever. Sure, I say quite a lot of things, some stupid, some wise, some even funny. But not in the way I want people to view. People nowadays laugh at the sexual things and often have dirty thoughts. Okay, that's fine, and all, but that's not who I want to be. The world is trying to be shaped and evolved around these types of things. But I won't allow it. People can deny it all they want, but they know it's true, and so do I. And I d-don't mean to sound cocky and all, but I want someone to believe just one word in what I'm saying in this just one word, that's all.
I like to think that I can withstand anything. That anything can happen if I put my mind to it. But sometimes my mind vetos it. When I'm sick, for instance, I don't want to do things like take care of myself. Stay home when I need to. I put myself out there to not miss anything because if there's one thing I hate more than the color pink, it's catching up on homework, late assignments, and asking everyone what I missed. Sure, that may have been a stupid thing to do, but what can I say? I do stupid things for stupid outcomes.
Focusing on just yourself is kind of difficult, don't you agree? Me too. Me too. If you're a worrier like me, then focusing on one person is near impossible. Including right this moment, I'm not only thinking of one person I'm thinking about a lot more than that. Of course, I'm not going to expose the names. Because that's a wrong thing to expose names without permission. I keep trying to tell myself I have a bad memory, so I forget most of the memories that I have here. But it turns out I have a better memory than I thought. I remember literally every single bad thing that has happened to me ever since I've started 6th grade. I know I gotta move on, but how can I do that? I can't just make myself magically stop thinking about it. I just want it to stop. But I know it won't. At least not for a long while yet.
I know I don't have anything truly terrible going on in my life right now, but I do know other people do. And I apologize. I'm just trying to make myself feel a little better. I still have a slight cough, stuffy nose, congested voice, and glassy eyes. I'm trying, man. I really am. I hope that to everyone, that they have an amazing spring break to not worry about anything for a while and to get outside for me. One last final thing, the color of my led lights, is yellow, meaning I have high hopes and aspirations for this year and hope new goals will arise with these upcoming months.

Yours truly Dusk,
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