Come on out, darling~ kokuaza.

~|The start of the end...?|~

Sorry, here is the real title of this chapter it's just too big to add.

The start of the end... or the end of the beginning?

Now, let's get a move on whilst I have motivation and not depression 😋

And no, I'm not writing any more smut. Also, this is the last chapter (finally) because I'm just not feeling this story anymore. If you want, I will write another Kokushibo x Akaza book in whatever au you want. Just comment here

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Now, let's start the chapter!

My motivation rn 📉📉📉📉

Akaza POV:

So I was right.. he does still love me. Part of me wants to just cry and jump into his arms and apologise. But should I really? I'm not the murderer here.. I mean, I love him too, but.. am I even ready to let him back in? I mean, he doesn't even care he killed people. Yet I can't help but love the fact he'd kill for me as he's shown. I suppose that shows that it wasn't bluff... this is all too stressful... I want to suppress these feelings because, as far as the law is aware, Koku is a criminal. And I mean, what if someone found out and then the police came to arrest him? Then what would I do..? I'd be on my own for probably my entire life! There was no way he wasn't going to get a life sentence because of me.

Thoughts aside, I probably look so weird right now. Just silent.. it's awkward. God, why does it have to be so awkward.. yes, I love him, but it's if I'm ready to let him in. Ugh, why is love so much effort.. why can't everything be smooth sailing. I don't know what to say to him.. I could say I love you too, but explain why I can't date him. Or I can push those thoughts aside because he's a hottie, and hot people deserve forgiveness. Oh my god, pull yourself together, Akaza! Just because he's hot doesn't mean you can forgive him straight away... I guess I just have to tell him how I feel.

I look up to see Kokushibo staring at me, waiting for my answer. "Look.. I love you... but... I just can't let you in.. I'm not ready yet. You put most of us through mentally tough times.. I can't just forgive you like that. No one can forgive you just like that. I'm willing to give you another chance, but... not right now.. if you understand where I'm coming from." I say, watching every movement of Kokushibo. He doesn't really reply with his facial expressions much so I don't know exactly how he's feeling but what I'm hoping is that he understands the pain he's made us all go through and he feels guilty.. that's never gonna be the case, though.. he's never sorry. He's only sorry when he has to be to get what he wants, and that's just the sad truth, really.

"I understand how you may feel Akaza, but... Mui and Douma have forgiven me easily. How come you can't? Yet you're closer to me?" He says. How am I going to explain this without upsetting him. Douma forgives everyone because he has no emotions, and Mui probably still doesn't forgive Kokushibo, but he will pretend for him since they are related.

"Have you ever stopped to wonder why? Mui is related to you, and he loves you, yet you killed his brother.. did you ever think that he doesn't forgive you, but he's just acting to help you? To avoid that very fate? And cmon. It's Douma he has no emotions. He couldn't care less if you sent a nuke to America! Forgiveness and sorry are just mere words that he can't understand. So, has anyone actually forgiven you?" I reply to him. I hope he really thinks about this because there's no easy way out of what he's done.. and I know it's also partly my fault, but.. he still carried out the murders.

Kokushibo remained silent, his face straight as he listened to my words. I feel as if he understands.. I just have to hope I'm right.

"I see... how do I... work for your forgiveness then..?" He asks, looking up.

"I don't know myself, Kokushibo... I just need time.." I answer. I mean, it's hard to just forgive and forget, right? So I'm not in the wrong, yet I can't help but feel guilty. He's gone out of his comfort zone to apologise to me, which is something he never does. And I'm just pushing him away. Am I in the wrong, or am I being fair with him.. because I'd love to see the day we are together again, but I'm just not ready to let him in. I'm not ready to get hurt again.

Then it clicked. That's my problem. I'm not too scared to let him in. I'm too scared to get hurt again... I don't trust him, that's my problem, I don't trust that he won't kill again for me because it's Kokushibo, and he usually never sticks to his word.. but he does stick to his word... fucks sake I've gone mental just think about all of this! I need to concentrate. I need to think about myself and him. How is pushing him away going to affect both of us..

Pushing him away for me would be good for me to take a break, yet I'd continue to push him away because I'm scared of my feelings.. but for him, I suppose his whole world would cave in. He built everything around me. He would always ask what I wanted to do. Which college I wanted to go to... which is high school, which university.. what jobs.. He even changed his timetable to match mine so that he'd see me every hour of every day. And I only just realise it now. He's sacrificed a lot for me. And I took it for granted... so should I really be pushing him away. He killed for me... he protected me... he's lied for me... he's fought for me. Yet when he needs me to help him. I push him away. Maybe I'm not ready for him, but he needs me. That's the only way he can fix himself. He needs someone he trusts to confide in.

"Kokushibo... you've made a great many mistakes over these past.. months was it? Maybe weeks.. but that's beside the point. You've killed people, and that's one of the hardest things to just forgive. I can't forgive you. I'm not mentally ready for it. But... I realise that you did most things for me, such as protecting me from that monster... from that fight at the cafe.. you've lied to protect me. And I've taken that for granted, I've practically used you without either of us noticing it. You were there for me. So I should be there for you. I love you too, Kokushibo... but I'm not ready for you. So I make a deal with you. You promise on your life never to kill anyone and I..."

I pause. Do I make this deal? Can he even keep it..? No.. I need to get this message across.

"And I.. well you and I can date again.. I won't be all lovey-dovey for quite a while but. You need me and as much as I hate to admit it..."

"I need you..."

Author Note:

Woooow such a cliffhanger anyway over the past 3 weeks I've been writing this I decided that I'm going to... CONTINUE this story because I'm invested again. However first I need to publish another chapter for my other book, take down my Nezuko book lolol and then I need to make a chapter for a new book I'm working on and then I can continue this book. Its gonna be a long process. Anyway love ya all so much and stay safe out there xxx