Don't Wanna Be Saved | BWWM

23, When Did It Change?

TWENTY-THREE: When Did It Change?

When did it change

From like to love

When did I think

That you were the one

When did my eyes

Start to see

How much I wanted us to be a 'we.'

AUSTIN CHANNING NARRATES..

GRADUATION: 76 DAYS

The day of graduation was eighty-six days away and I wasn't prepared for what was going to come after high school. In order words I had no clue.

Sweat dripped down my face as I started to feel as if I was in a bed by myself when I could've sworn there were two in this bed the night before. Slowly I came to my senses when I got up and the other half of my bed was empty.

When you grow up in an environment where you were never able to be sad or grieve the unexpected absence of someone it starts to go into your adulthood, something I wasn't going to foresee. I immediately called her phone and let it ring each time with no answer.

I could feel the anger build up as my phone sides started to crack due to me clutching it so tight. I could feel the back glass start to shatter from the amount of force I used. It was about 6:20 in the morning. Where could she have gone at that time? Or did she leave before I woke up?

Truthfully, I never was left alone after sleeping with someone. I was always doing the leaving but I didn't expect her to leave. So naturally I started to assume the worst.

I grabbed the nearest shirt near me and started to get dressed. Just as I was putting on my shoe I heard the door start to unlock. Lucky walked in with the biggest smile on his face but I didn't even want to talk to anyone.

"Smells like sex.." Lucky faked gagging for the comedic effect, but I was not trying to hear it. As soon as he saw my face he immediately dropped the act.

"Tell the old man I need a new phone." I started putting on the other shoe as my phone dropped from my bed. I can hear it drop and the screen cracks again. "I swear your fucking bipolar," Lucky said as I closed the door not wanting to hear what he had to say. I walked onto the elevator.

Just as the elevator was closing I saw Lucky, rushing to get in before it had left. I didn't want to speak to anyone but I knew as soon as he stepped in the elevator he was going to want me to explain everything that happened the night before.

Even though I was upset I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't going to chase Cheyenne down as much as I wanted her. At that moment I wanted to hear her explaining why she left me in the middle of the night. Why was I forced to be woken without her next to me?

I knew that Lucky was talking to me but his words sounded like smush as they penetrated my ears. I knew Cheyenne had her reasons for leaving but what hurt me the most was what if she didn't love me like I loved her.

I loved Cheyenne.

I never would've left her like that.

Having Cheyenne gone was the final realization of how my feelings grew since knowing her from the first time she spoke to me until now she was all I ever wanted since coming to this school.

Knowing Cheyenne in such a short time frame benefited me so much and I wouldn't know what to do without her in my corner.

But she left, she wanted to avoid me for whatever reason she had and even though I love her and I only want to be with her I need to let her go.

Maybe she needed space.

What we did the next before was spontaneous and she probably needs time to think. We weren't in a relationship or anything like that as much as I wanted to be.

The elevator sounds brought me back to reality. I lifted my arm to go back to the top floor of the building as Lucky stood there completely confused. "Trust, the group chat will know about this." Lucky laughed, already taking his phone out of his pocket. Group chat? I'm assuming the people I knew before rehab.

"I don't even want to be friends with them anymore," I said walking out of the elevator back into our dorms.

Today was Monday the day after the stupid Valentine dance that I only enjoyed because I was with Cheyenne. We had classes together and all I could think as I was getting ready was how I was supposed to talk to her in our classes together.

I explained the whole situation to Lucky knowing he wouldn't tell a soul. I couldn't keep it all bottled up as I grew older I discovered that asking for help when I needed would only alleviate me. And when you are able to talk to someone who understands it takes a lot of weight off your shoulders.

"What if she left because there was no commitment?" Lucky asked as he was fixing his own tie with some struggle.

"She could've communicated that." I say dismissing what he said a little bit as I fixed my hair into a ponytail in the back.

"But you knew that she already had problems communicating with others." Lucky looked at me like I was the biggest asshole on the planet. I felt like it too.

I gave him the 'your right' face and continued getting ready to go to the main campus for breakfast.

The first few classes we had together Cheyenne was nowhere to be found. Her friends hadn't seen her since yesterday and were starting to get worried. I even went to her locker each class period and she didn't go there not even once.

She was avoiding me.