Echoing J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Chapter 15

The steady hum of the tour bus engine provided a very monotonous backdrop to the constant ache in my abdomen. I sat on one of the front lounge couches, my legs up to my chest, staring blankly at the passing scenery through the tinted windows. I'd barely gotten any sleep that night. After spending a few hours at the hospital and just barely avoiding a blood transfusion, I was sent home with the confirmation that I had had a miscarriage.

The pain that night as I shared a bunk with Jack had nearly been unbearable. All the adrenaline had been used up and I was exhausted. Everything inside of me was cramping, preventing me from getting any restful sleep. The painkillers could only do so much. But it was knowing that we had lost our baby that kept me up.

Jack was holding a heat pack and sat down next to me. "Here, this might help a little."

I gave him the best appreciative smile I could muster up. As I leaned forward, he helped me position it against my back. The warmth seeped through the fabric, offering a small attempt at soothing the persistent aches. I didn't need to thank him with words. There already was an understanding. Neither of us was ready to talk about it yet.

The others in the bus tried to carry on with their usual banter and laughter, but there was an unspoken tension. They didn't know the specifics, but they sensed something was off. Their speculations were probably right. Every glance held compassion that couldn't mean anything else, but nobody dared to broach the subject.

Jeff shot me a sympathetic look as he walked by to the front of the bus. He was the only one who knew the truth. Jack had told him the evening before when he asked for help with transportation to the hospital.

As the bus slowly came to a stop and the engine turned off, a wave of anxiety washed over me. The idea of facing the outside world, pretending that everything was normal, was too daunting. Even in the familiar environment of a venue full of people I knew. My body was in too much pain to join that bustling world.

I watched as the others filed out, Jack lingering for a moment longer to check up on me.

"Do you want to come?" He asked me softly once the others were out of earshot.

I shook my head, still clutching onto my legs. There was no way I could leave what I considered a safe space.

"Take your time," he whispered, giving me a supportive squeeze on my knee. "I'll just go bring my bag in and then I'll be back, okay?"

I nodded, my gaze trailing after him as he picked up the backpack and left the tour bus. As soon as the door clicked shut, I felt a new sense of vulnerability. It was a strange kind of detachment. With nothing around me but silence and emptiness, the reality of what happened was hitting me anew. The pain intensified, both physical and emotional.

Before it got too much, I stood up, holding the heat pack to my chest, and retreated back towards the bunks. All I wanted was a bit of comfort. I climbed into Jack's bunk and sat at the foot end. My eyes fell on the photo of us he had hanging up on the wall, both of us laughing and excited for what the future would bring. I drew the curtain shut, turning our past selves into a couple of ghosts.

Cocooned in that small cramped space, with my legs drawn close, the emotions I had been holding back broke free. The tears started to well up in my eyes. I didn't try to hold them back as I clutched onto the heat pack, looking for some warmth. I couldn't tell what hurt worse, my heart or the cramps.

The tears trickled down agonisingly slow. Everything seemed like a stark reminder of the absence that now loomed. I never thought I would feel such grief for a person that never even existed.

I leaned my head against the wall, wiping away the tears on my cheeks. Time seemed to blur as I stared at the dark corner on the opposite side of the bunk. It felt both too big and too confining. I was exhausted. All I could do was curl up in my own corner, enveloped by pain and darkness.

The sound of footsteps in the hallway reminded me that I wasn't in some sombre abyss.

"Jacie?" Jack called out.

I sniffled, not trusting my voice to be able to respond, and stayed frozen in the position I was in.

A hazy light peaked from the edge of the curtain as Jack's fingers curled around it. He carefully started pulling it back, poking his head in. His eyes had to get used to the lack of light, but quickly fell on me. With confirmation that I was in there, he opened it further and climbed in, sitting in what used to be the empty corner.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice a soft murmur as he closed the curtains again.

I managed a weak smile, attempting to portray some sense of normalcy. Jack reached for my hand, holding it gently as if to anchor me to the present. I stared at our hands, wondering where we'd be if last night hadn't happened. My dampened eyes traced the contours of his fingers as if looking for answers.

As the pain intensified, I pulled my hand away and wrapped my arms around my knees. A heavy sigh escaped me as I tried to hold back the tide of tears threatening to spill over again. Jack comfortingly put his hand around my ankle instead, a silent reassurance that I didn't need to bear this burden alone.

And in the safety of that bunk, surrounded by the darkness and the hushed sounds of Jack's breathing, I allowed myself to unravel. Hiding my face in my arms, silent sobs started shaking my body. Without hesitation, Jack scooted closer, his arms finding their way around me.

The embrace was tender yet held every ounce of our shared sorrow. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, seeking a solace that could offer me comfort. He held me as I wept, time losing its meaning as grief unfolded on its own timeline. Jack's breath was ragged as I clung to him, but he had no tears.

"I– I want to go home," I managed to whisper through the sobs.

"I know," he hushed me, gently stroking my back as if trying to absorb the anguish seeping from my soul.

I couldn't take another three days of zapping between locations in the state I was in. All I wanted was my own bed and my own space to heal. The pain was much too excruciating to stay on tour. It meant leaving Jack behind, but this was no place for me to be anymore.

"I'm here," he whispered, his breath warm against my ear.

And for a moment, that simple statement was enough. Just for a moment.