Echoing J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Chapter 19

A few more days at my dad's place led to me having a look at all the luggage that had been shipped out to my dad when I left London. It had already arrived before I came back to LA, but I didn't have the energy to check it out until much later. I found some more of my clothes as well as my guitars and other tools.

I didn't feel like writing any songs yet, knowing they'd just come out as a jumble of emotions that I didn't fully understand. But it was nice to simply pick up a guitar again and play some chords. It was good to return to something that brought me joy.

I felt myself getting better. As the physical symptoms started to alleviate, the heavy mental cloud started lifting as well. I was starting to come to terms with what happened. Hazel's mom's words resonated with me. It was okay to feel a little lost, sharing the pain did help, and eventually there was more space to love again. I was ready to figure out what it all meant for our future.

When I saw the time and realised that Jack must have finished his soundcheck by then, I decided to give him a call. We still hadn't really talked about the elephant in the room. My recovery came up a lot, but we never discussed what had actually happened and how it made us feel. It wasn't like us not to talk.

I put my phone on loudspeaker, the dial tones sounding throughout my entire room as I drew some doodles on a scrap piece of paper on my desk. I waited and waited for them to stop and for Jack's voice to appear. But that moment never came. Instead, I got his voicemail, which wasn't all too strange.

I went to leave him a text to say I was just calling to call and everything was okay. But he beat me to it.

Jack: Sorry. Busy day. Talk tomorrow?

I frowned, reading over his message again. We never went a day without talking to each other, even if it meant just having a five minute call. But what was I supposed to say to this? No? Force him to get on the phone?

Me: Okay...

Me: Just wanted to tell you I started playing some music again

The least I could do was make sure he wouldn't worry that I was calling because something was wrong.

Jack: Oh, cool

I waited for another message to come in. Usually, he'd ask me what I was working on. Even though I was just playing some old stuff, I still expected some kind of inquiry. But the bubble that showed he was typing didn't even pop up. Something felt amiss.

Me: Everything alright?

Jack: Yeah. Long rehearsals and stuff

Me: You sure?

Jack: Don't worry too much. Let's catch up properly tomorrow, okay?

My fingers hovered over the keys, a conflict brewing within me. At this point, he could have just answered my call and we could have talked for a few minutes. Even the usual humour in his texts was lacking. Usually, he'd throw in some kind of joke, even if he couldn't answer a call.

I wanted to continue pressing, but he ended the conversation before I could come up with the right way to ask.

Jack: Love you

I sighed, and returned the words.

Me: Love you

The unease in me didn't fade. I was sure Jack was trying to alleviate my concern, but it only deepened my worry. There were alarm bells going off inside my head. But there was a digital barrier keeping us separated.

I finally understood the worry Jack felt when I was the one to slip off the edge two years earlier. And I couldn't ignore this. I didn't put my phone away, instead I went ahead and found a different conversation in my history.

Me: Hey, Alex

Me: Can you do me a favour?

Alex: Anything for you, babe

Me: I'm worried about Jack

Before I could even ask what I needed from him, he came with his own responses.

Alex: We are too

Alex: He's not his usual self

My heart broke. Part of me was holding on to the hope that I was over analysing things, that Jack really was just tired whenever we called. But now my worst fears were confirmed.

Me: Has he talked to you?

Alex: No, he doesn't say much

Me: Do you mind talking to him?

Alex: I can try

Alex: But, Jacie...

Alex: I can assume what this is about, but neither you or Jack have ever said anything

Alex: I don't want to make the wrong assumptions

Right. If Jack hadn't said a word to anybody, and I hadn't either, then there was no way for him to know. It just felt like it was common knowledge by now. The same day it happened, they had already guessed it. But nobody dared to say it out loud. I still struggled to type it out now.

Me: I think your assumptions are right

Alex: Jacie...

Me: Fine. I miscarried. It wasn't planned. I found out after I moved to London. I was in the process of moving back when I miscarried in the venue bathroom

Me: I'm okay, but I think Jack's taking it harder than he's been letting on

Alex: I'm sorry, Jace

Alex: That can't have been easy

Me: I'm okay now. I just had to go home to rest

Me: So, can you attempt to talk to Jack?

Me: At least check up on him?

Alex: I'll try

And that's when all I could do was wait anxiously. This was now out of my hands. As much as I wanted to reach out and help Jack, it was near impossible to do from so far away. What was there for me to do if he didn't want to talk on the phone? I couldn't come up to him and talk to him face-to-face. All I got to see and hear was what he chose to share.

My stomach was in knots. I had noticed that Jack sounded more tired than usual, but I was mad at myself for not taking action sooner. I'd been too wrapped up in my own emotions and feelings to truly consider how Jack could have been handling all this.

I wasn't able to do anything as I waited to hear something back from Alex. I didn't even know whether he'd immediately try to talk to Jack or whether he'd do it later. If that meant that I would just be a nervous wreck sitting on my bed for hours, then so be it. I didn't have the right headspace to do anything.

But, fuck, I really hoped it wouldn't take hours. It was agonising not knowing.

Alex: Jace, he's not doing good...

That confirmation was all I needed to jump into action. I couldn't sit around for two more weeks, waiting for Jack to come home and hoping that he'd be okay until then. We needed to be together to get through this. Even though the bleeding hadn't fully stopped yet, I knew I could take on tour life now. I would do anything to make sure Jack was okay.

I immediately left my room to find my dad, who was still working at the dining table.

"Dad, I need to see Jack," I stated as I walked over to the side he was sitting at. "Can you help me?"

He looked taken aback by my determination. "Is everything okay?"

"No." I pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. "I need to get a plane ticket there and not forget to find a way back this time."

"Are you okay?" he still looked confused and actually a little worried.

"Yeah." I gave a single nod and pulled up the schedule Jack had shared with me before the tour started.

"Okay, then..." he opened a new tab on his browser, dropping the work he was doing. "Where to?"

"New Orleans."