10th April, 2024
some guys have been going through all my WangXian books lately, so i am guessing wattpad's shadowbanning me is maybe over. i still cannot grasp how someone would go through so many hours of reading all 3 published books, but some people are just... thirsty, i guess.
still, it is a bit weird, to click on the notification and go to the respective chapter. no, not deleted yet, but very soon.
i wonder if the Nazi Purge is over.
but as i re-visit my old style, and my old writings, and my old love, i cannot help but miss.
i miss the hope i had, back then, in 2021. i miss the love i felt. a love so strong it would make me giddy with missing, with desire too.
all i am left with now is stupid books, naïve dreams, all crushed - and also some final decisions on never dating again. some bitterness towards humankind, i guess too. some disillusionment.
i think my love died due to exhaustion. both mental and physical.
all i am left with is CPTSD and depression.
i have been stuck in freeze for the longest time, and it is really hard to write. but i will try to do some editing tonight. it is almost surreal; going back on all the stuff i wrote. it always feels like someone else did it for me, as if it hadn't been me who wrote it all.
i think the person i was in 2021 is dead and gone. and i am not sure if it's a good thing.
