2nd April, 2024
14th Feb, 2024 (past)
I feel very weird today.
Today I checked out the IG profile of the one I've been in love with for almost 5 years now. I really dunno why. Maybe because it's Valentine's, or maybe because of my birthday, or maybe because it's her birthday next week. Or maybe because I am addicted to pain.
She still has the link to that AO3 WangXian book on her profile, the one she gifted her art for, the one that broke my heart to smithereens. I decided that I was finally brave enough to read it, although any one thing associated with the WangXian ship makes me feel physically sick, ever since that autumn. It used to be my favorite, now it makes me sick to my stomach. Because of her. Well... It's just 3 chapters, it's just 10K words after all. How much crying could it mean? For me? Right?
But then I noticed that the book was unfinished, and the account has been orphaned. That MXTX writer had just blasted their AO3 account. My beautiful beloved's art is now lost to the world, unless someone decides to randomly pick an incomplete WangXian book, a random one out of the 1454 pages of lists of fanfics.
And as the pain of losing something precious is still so raw for me, I cannot help but wonder... Why did she choose another? 2 years ago, I was writing almost nothing else but WangXian books. She knew that.
And also – do most MXTX authors quit now? I see more and more accounts that used to be about the MXTX books now provide books that are Genshin Impact, or even Harry Potter fanfics. Has the cruel, spiteful fandom driven almost everyone away? Just like they did myself?
And also – does she even remember me? Sometimes?
Never?
I feel very weird today.
Today I checked out the IG profile of the one I've been in love with for almost 5 years now. I really dunno why. Maybe because it's Valentine's, or maybe because of my birthday, or maybe because it's her birthday next week. Or maybe because I am addicted to pain.
She still has the link to that AO3 WangXian book on her profile, the one she gifted her art for, the one that broke my heart to smithereens. I decided that I was finally brave enough to read it, although any one thing associated with the WangXian ship makes me feel physically sick, ever since that autumn. It used to be my favorite, now it makes me sick to my stomach. Because of her. Well... It's just 3 chapters, it's just 10K words after all. How much crying could it mean? For me? Right?
But then I noticed that the book was unfinished, and the account has been orphaned. That MXTX writer had just blasted their AO3 account. My beautiful beloved's art is now lost to the world, unless someone decides to randomly pick an incomplete WangXian book, a random one out of the 1454 pages of lists of fanfics.
And as the pain of losing something precious is still so raw for me, I cannot help but wonder... Why did she choose another? 2 years ago, I was writing almost nothing else but WangXian books. She knew that.
And also – do most MXTX authors quit now? I see more and more accounts that used to be about the MXTX books now provide books that are Genshin Impact, or even Harry Potter fanfics. Has the cruel, spiteful fandom driven almost everyone away? Just like they did myself?
And also – does she even remember me? Sometimes?
Never?
