...

7. [your words are poison]

sooo, what do you know? some more idiotic comments poisoned my UshiTen book for me on AO3. i put it on hold, another poor book on hold...

man, i loved writing it... it was so gentle, that book. now i am tempted to delete it altogether. obviously, it's bad. all i write is bad. but i loved writing it... my heart felt warm while i was writing it. it was a book i filled with love, and delicious cooking, and tender kisses... a small house in the countryside, and sunny morning of tenderness and caresses...

people thought it was boring and chaotic. and it probably was. i can't know - how can i judge something i have cut and torn from my own heart? something i love deeply enough to write it down, commemorate it, leave it for the world to love too?

irrelevant. people are cruel to me, for no reason. have always been.

i have left it, lonely and in the dust.

maybe one day my heart will stop bleeding, and i will come back to it, and finish it. give it the happy ending it deserves.

my poor book. my poor books... deleted, ridiculed, questioned, hated...

i think i am the only one who loves them still. no matter how simple and non-professional they are, no matter how badly written.

i love them. they are the last piece of myself i am allowed to love.

because everything else is dead.

i have cut all else out.

i am kind of grateful that no one knows me on this account, that no one will read this, most probably. i can't take any more hate from people. it's been too much, for too many years now.

~

also, my new pain, and new obsession: ORV.

there is nowhere to read it, let alone buy it, in my country, but... i can marvel it from afar.

exquisite art, a little bit of beauty in my grey days.

Yes. ORV is the new unbearable pain in my life.