I don't know why I was so driven as a kid. Maybe because I had naive hopes and now I know better. Maybe because I thought I had someone. I know the things I have to do, I just can't find the motivation to do them when I'm painfully aware that all I have, all I ever had, is myself. I don't know what any of it was for and I know that none of it would mean anything if I give up now. I know I've wasted a lot of my time so I should live intentionally with purpose and goals even without any guarantees.
Cruel is it not? For family to stand by and watch you deteriorate over the years. Watch as the light leaves your eyes and as the world takes away your smile. Never letting you know who you are. Confusing you at every step you take. In the end, you're the one who's blamed for being incompetent. And you have no choice but to exist even though you're dead inside.
If no one invites you, if no one cares to understand you, if no one is ever there then you can't just waste your time feeling sorry for yourself. Yeah it hurts knowing that after everything and all you do for them, they wouldn't do the same for you. It hurts realizing that after all these years, it's always been one-sided. Channel those feelings in a way for you to be able to live a meaningful life on your own. Pretend they're dead to you whoever they may be. Whenever they gallivant off without you, you go on your own adventure. If they would have you isolated in this world, don't let that feeling of loneliness make you think for one second that that is all you deserve. Don't submit to that. Because that is no way to live. Rebel against that with every fiber of your being, take every chance to explore this world that you were denied, and don't ever forget the One that was with you from the start.
It's hard... going through life knowing you only have yourself but that doesn't mean that you have to accept how they treat you. It doesn't mean you should allow them to dictate and limit your life. Since you're on your own and you have no one around that cares about you or your time then you have to be intentional and aware of how you spend every minute because no one else will. Improve where you can and don't worry too much over things out of your control.
YOU ARE READING
Her Broken Sky
SpiritualA 21-year-old reflects on her past and tries to move forward in a desolate place. Holding on to the hope that there must be more in her future that will make it all worthwhile, if only to have the strength to endure her days and nights.
