Malik and Jade

Chapter 18 (Jade): Let Go

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA

Malik looked at me with serious concern when I told him we needed to talk.

"Do you want some tea?" I asked him, knowing he wouldn't drink coffee this late. "We can sit at the kitchen table."

"Please," he said, still looking at me as if he expected me to throw a rattlesnake at him.

Once we had our mugs of tea in front of us and were seated across from each other, I looked down into my mug to begin one of the most difficult discussions of my life, of our lives. So much depended on this and I wanted to get my words right.

"I need you to let me get this all out without interrupting me," I said, daring a look at him. "This really isn't a discussion, per se, but just some things I need to say to you so you can understand my thought process and where I'm coming from."

His eyes were calm, and he nodded his agreement.

"I was able to do a lot of thinking at home," I said, and this time I didn't mean it to be a poison dart; it was just a habit I'd gotten into over these last months of referring to Mom and Dad's house as home. I could still sense Malik tensing at the term and everything he thought it meant.

"Since divorce isn't an option for us, I have two choices: live with you the way we were before I went home or create a good, loving home for Nour." Oh, my son, my life. "There really wasn't a choice. I love our boy and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, and I don't want him growing up surrounded by tension and parents who can't be in the same room with one another. Basically, I looked deep inside myself and decided that my love for him is bigger than anything, bigger than the dreams I had, bigger than my disappointment that life isn't going to turn out the way I had hoped. That was important, the day I realized life doesn't always turn out the way we want but we can still make the best out of it as opposed to being bitter and cold."

He was waiting me out, I could tell. Letting me say everything I needed to without rushing in to speak.

"What I was doing before I went to visit my parents, the way I was behaving -- it wasn't healthy or a long-term solution to this mess between us. Even knowing that, I couldn't stop because it was a reaction to all this hurt I had inside that I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't able to deal with that pain and take care of my -- our -- baby. As a mother, I knew there was no option: Nour's care had to come first, so I had to channel everything I had into him and try not to interact with you because it was too hard. Every time I saw you..."

Closing my eyes, I dug deep. This had to be said so we could move ahead, but I couldn't meet his eyes when I said it.

"Every time I saw you, I no longer saw my husband, the man I loved. I saw the man who married me because I checked off all of his things I want in a wife boxes. I saw the man who was willing to marry me despite being in love with another woman. I saw the man in that hospital hallway with the woman he loved in his arms when it should have been me."

Malik made a rough, pained sound in his throat, maybe realizing what that confession had cost me, and I swallowed all of that horrible emotion back down, still without looking at Malik. We were going to get this all said tonight and move on, and I could only do that if I didn't give way to the tears that were right there, threatening to choke me as if they were hands around my throat.

"The last four months at home have helped me reach my decision, Malik. I just needed time to wade through the pain and think about everything. We'll go on as we were before I knew about her. Only this time, I won't be under any illusions about what we are to each other and what we have between us. You were right, you know. By your definition, we had been building a good foundation for our marriage, and now that I'm aware of everything, we can build that up again. Start fresh where we're both equals in our knowledge and expectations. I'll settle for good enough because we're doing this for Nour. I want him raised in a home that isn't experiencing a Cold War."

Buying myself a little time, I took a sip of my tea. Then I met those beautiful eyes of his, burning with emotion.

"Basically, what I'm saying, Malik, is that I'm willing to settle for the friendship and partnership you married me for, for the sake of our son. We'll be true partners this time since we both know the score this go-around, that we're both settling, and I'm even willing to be physical again eventually, only this time I won't read anything into it other than we both enjoy sex and there will be no emotions involved."

That hurt. So much. It'd always been beautiful between us, and now it would just be sex. I couldn't look at him, knowing I'd see relief on his face. Another sip of tea before the big finish. You can do this, Jade. You can do this for Nour.

"Looking back, I can see that I set my expectations too high for our marriage by assuming that you wanted the same thing I did. I wanted love. You wanted a partner you cared about. With all that in mind, there's just one thing I'm asking for this time: I'm willing to give up on love and settle for what you can offer, but I want your fidelity. No more Brooklyn. No more lunches with a colleague you love. No more Brooklyn in your arms. You may not love me, but that doesn't mean you can't be faithful to me in all ways. Can you promise me that, Malik?"

"Yes," he said, and before he could say anything that I could tell he wanted to say, I hit him with the last item on my reconciliation plan.

"Then there's one last thing and that's a few more months. Five, to be precise, to give myself an entire year of mourning a loss, if you will, to gradually work my way back into our marriage, to settle in here again. And at the end of the five months, I'll be ready to start our marriage fresh. Where we'll both make the best of it and commit to each other as partners and parents without any romantic expectations. Just something real and honest for the first time, and that'll be enough. We'll make a life together for Nour's sake."

I fiddled with the handle of my mug for a minute before I looked up into Malik's face, which was completely unreadable. That surprised me because I thought he'd have some reaction to everything I'd just laid out for him. It was our lives at stake, but I think he already knew that since I'd been gone for four months, and the three months before that had been miserable.

"Can you agree to all of that?"

He folded his arms, and rested his elbows on the table as he leaned toward me, his face serious and his eyes...sad?

"I can agree to all of that, Jade. As long as you'll stay here so we can work on everything."

"So we're agreed then."

"Yes."

"I just need you not to push for the next five months, Malik. Let me set the pace, start reaching out gradually as I feel more able to because otherwise, I feel like it'll be forced."

He didn't smile, but he nodded. "You're back, Jade. You and Nour are back, and we can work on the rest in your timeframe."

Hesitating, he reached across the table and covered my hand briefly before he took it away, clearly concerned that I'd see his touch as pushing me. "We can have a good life together, Jade."

That sounded like a promise, but this man had made promises to me before and I was no longer the idealistic woman he'd made them to. This time, my eyes were open and my girlish dreams weren't clouding them. My vision was clear, my determination unswerving.

"We'll make a good life for Nour. I'm not expecting anything from you except your fidelity and continuing to be an exceptional father to our boy."

"Jade," he pressed, "we will have a good life."

"I know," I said confidently. "I've made my peace with what our lives will and won't be and it'll be enough for me if Nour grows up feeling like the most-loved little boy in the world."

Maybe sometimes not having his love would hurt, but I was determined that it would only be in those quiet moments in the middle of the night when, for just a moment, you were visited by those dreams you'd had to let go.

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA