After I watched my wife disappear into the bathroom and close the door, I turned on the lamp, stripped off the condom, wrapped it in tissues and threw it in the wastebasket. Then I walked out of our room and down the hall to one of the other bathrooms where I cleaned up, trying not to think.
Trying not to think about what had just happened, about the weight on my chest thinking of what my wife must be feeling to have put those boundaries in place.
When I returned to our room, Jade was still showering. Trying to scrub away all traces of me, most likely. Slipping on a pair of thin gray sweats, I sat on the side of the bed, elbows on my knees, head in my hands.
Welcome to the life you made because of the pain you caused her.
As the door to the bathroom finally opened, I surged to my feet, eyes on Jade.
"We need to talk," was all I said as I walked over to her and took her hand.
I led her to the bed, and as we sat down next to each other, I wasn't sure how to begin this conversation, so I hoped I'd manage to say the right thing. The odds weren't in my favor given my track record with her.
"How did you feel about what happened between us tonight, Jade?"
She looked at me, and I could tell she'd been crying in the shower, making me feel even worse than I already did. I gripped her hand between both of mine.
"I didn't like what happened between us just now, Jade."
She turned her face from me, so I reached out and cupped her cheek, gently turning her face back to me.
"Did you?" I asked her.
I waited, almost afraid to breathe, afraid of her answer.
"No," she said, so softly I almost couldn't hear her.
I almost hugged her to me in my relief but stopped myself, knowing she wouldn't appreciate it.
"I've never been good about telling you the things I should have," I admitted. "I just always hoped you'd understand without the words because that was easier for me, and I'm sorry about that, Jade. So I'll say what I should have told you long before now. You've always been beautiful to me, but when we were together, it was an entirely different level of beauty. I always wanted the light on so I could see every part of you. Your face was my guide, and I always watched you closely, seeing what you liked, learning which words and touches pleased you the most. I liked knowing that I could give that to you."
Her eyes looked away from mine, but I refused to be discouraged.
"I'm very visual, and I don't know if you ever noticed or realized how much I liked seeing your hands on me, how much I liked watching you press your lips to my body, how much I loved the after, when that gorgeous hair of yours was spread out over my chest, when you tucked your knee between my legs, when your hand stroked my arm. I liked putting my hands in your hair and letting it fall through my fingers, liked running my finger lightly down your arm and feeling you shiver against me."
Still silent, she was waiting to hear me out, I realized, and I allowed myself a small distraction to consider my next words. After her shower, Jade had braided her wet hair, and the braid was hanging over her shoulder. I picked up the end and noticed a drop of water hanging from the very tip of it, like a tear waiting to fall.
How many tears did she cry because of me? How could I make up for each drop of pain I caused her?
"I'm sorry you wanted the lights off because I loved --" she stiffened "-- watching you, looking in your eyes. It felt wrong tonight, Jade, not being able to see you clearly, having to keep quiet."
YOU ARE READING
Malik and Jade
Roman d'amourI thought our arranged marriage had turned into love for both of us. I discovered how wrong I was the day I gave birth to our premature son and found my husband taking comfort from another woman. The woman he loved.
