Malik and Jade

Chapter 31 (Malik): Second Choice

Copyright © 2024 by GroveltoHEA

***TW for discussion of fertility issues***

When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did was gently tucked Jade's braid back on her pillow. Then I rolled over, grabbed my phone to cancel the alarm before it went off, and quietly got out of bed. Going into the bathroom, I threw on the running clothes I'd set out the previous day, then left our room. It was still dark when I walked out of the house, but I began my rounds by seven so my days always began early. 

After a few minutes of stretching, I jogged down our driveway and began running. Normally, my morning runs cleared the sleep from my head and allowed me to think about what my day held, patients and surgeries, but lately my thoughts had been focused solely on Jade, on our relationship, our marriage. 

It had been enough at first to go into our marriage knowing that we liked each other, were compatible and got along. That we shared common goals, the most important of which was starting a family. We teased each other, shared a very similar sense of humor and enjoyed doing things together. We shared our faith, and our families were central to our lives. In my arrogance, it was everything I ever imagined a marriage to be, everything I wanted it to be.

But it wasn't everything Jade had imagined our marriage would be.

Things had been going well until Jade became frustrated with her inability to conceive and I couldn't help her or reassure her. She fixated on it, and it brought my wife lower than I'd ever seen her.

"Jade," I said. "If we can't have children, we can't. It's that complicated and that simple. But I hate that you're tearing yourself up over this. There are other ways to become parents if we decide to go that route. Or we may just decide to keep it at the two of us. I want whatever you want, and I'll do whatever you want."

"I just want a baby, Malik, and I think you do, too. But what if I can never have a baby? You'll be disappointed."

"Then we'll keep trying if you want a baby, and explore some different avenues with fertility treatments," I said, smoothing her tangled, tear-dampened hair back from her face. "And if we can never have a baby, I'm upset that it makes you sad, but I'm honestly fine with it either way. Please don't think you could ever disappoint me because that's just not true, Jade. The last thing you are is a disappointment."

We'd kept trying and just before Jade decided she wanted to try fertility treatments, she'd become pregnant. At long last, we'd had our baby...and I'd ruined that experience.

Selfish, Malik. Thoughtless in so many ways. Right from the start.

I hit the two mile mark and turned around, wiping the sweat from my forehead. This is why I had always wanted to avoid feeling like this. It was unsettling and uncomfortable...and it convicted me of the many ways I'd failed the one person in my life I shouldn't have failed.

When I got home, I heard Nour just starting to stir, so I quickly took off my shirt and used it to wipe off the sweat. I ran into the second bathroom and threw a towel over my shoulder so I could go get our son.

He pulled himself to standing when he saw me and jumped up and down, little legs working overtime in his excitement. I scooped him out of his crib and cuddled him close. Normally, he wasn't up this early, but he was getting in two more teeth and he'd been more restless, getting up earlier for the last three days. He shoved two little fingers in his mouth and rested his head against  my towel-covered chest.

After quickly changing his diaper, I carried him into Jade, hating to wake her but I needed to get ready and head into work. I sat beside her on the bed, Nour still snug against my chest.