I hate how I always manage to find a way to feel insecure. Whether it be overthinking, or simply seeing others who are physically more appealing than me.
It's definitely something I need to work on along with accepting the fact that there was other people before me who had his heart. But I also need to realize that I am his now and he is in love with me.
I don't really understand how people can fall in love with just anyone. He is my first love, so I'm not really sure on how that works.
I am trying to accept myself and learn that I will never look like the people he once said "I love you" to. I am different. This insecurity needs to end now. Now that it is triggering panic attacks, I need to find some sort of way to get over this nonexistent problem I've created in my head.
It's not him. He never makes me feel like I'm not good enough or too overweight or too boring for him. I know for certain that he loves me. I guess the problem really is me.
When I eat, I think of the people he has been with and how they look physically better, and it makes me sick. Literally. Sometimes I go without eating all together because I know I'll be seeing him that day and maybe by some miracle I will look reasonably skinner. Or sometimes when I do eat, I get so sick I puke it up. And no, I don't force myself to puke. It's honestly very stupid but that's just how I am.
I could seriously get compliment after compliment and at the end of the day still find some way to feel insecure.
I am trying to accept myself.
It's kind of hard when not only other people bring you down, but you're also bullying yourself.
I'm trying.. for him.
a.j.
