Love & death: Feel it all

Turned soft

Tom pov:

Did she just change the way my brain works in less than five minutes? Suddenly, I feel all funny in my stomach thinking about how badly I've treated so many women. I've never felr that way before. I hate this feeling. It's unnatural to me and I hate that she makes me think like this.
I struggle with my slightly weak body to get off of her and I pull my dick out of her. I hear her suck in a deep breath at the feeling before she crumbles up her legs in front of her.

Something takes over my body, and does something that I didn't actually want to do, ruining the moment. My hand starts tingling and it feels like there's fire in my chest. I swing my arm and hit her with the palm of my hand across her face, making her whimper and almost fall on her side.

She puts a hand protectively over her hurt burning cheek and wraps the other arm around her legs, pulling them all the way up to her chest. I felt like I just lost control over my body.

I reach over and try to pull her body to mine. She tries to fight but I force her to touch me. I pull the curled up woman into my arms and hold her protectively.

"I'm sorry." I say, feeling the tears press against my eyelids for the first time in... years. I've turned soft. I feel so guilty about everything I've ever done, like a boulder has been chasing me my entire life and finally caught up to me and rolled me flat. This feeling is terrible. Is this how everybody feels when they do something bad?

I know that what Scarlett said was right. Cassie does not deserve the way I treat her. None of the girls did. Not Scarlett either. It's almost a reflex now. How did I end up like this? I feel as if I've woken up from a bad dream and realized how bad a person I have been.

I can't get out of this life now, unless I kill a shitload of people, and even then... I'll have to always keep one eye open for the rest of my life. There's no freedom from myself anymore. But at least... I can pretend to be a good person in front of the people I love. Or can I?
I've tried, haven't I. But it never worked. Maybe I'm just evil deep down, no matter how much I want to be good.

I kiss the top of Scarlett's head, trying to comfort her and myself.

"I'm sorry. I want to be a better person... but... deep down... I think I might be chronically evil, Scar." I say, trying to make a joke out of it to seem less soft. Her body shakes a little and I hear a quiet giggle escape her lips. My heart warms up at the sound.

"I forgive you." Is all she says, and then she stays quiet while putting her clothes back on her shivering body. I don't know if it's weakness from the sex, or from when I slapped her, but she turns around with a blank poker face as if I didn't just make her moan my name.

"The key." She demands and I dig out the key from my pant pocket on the floor. She takes it, unlocks the door, and walks out of the room like she owns the place. I can hear Bill's excitement from the couch when he sees her and then the way his tone of voice changes when he sees her smeared in blood.

Bill pov:

Georg kept talking to me, telling me what I can and can't do here. Threatening me to shoot me in the leg if I even get close to Tom's room. I heard the moans and Tom shouting "fuck". I hope that she has hurt him. But when she walks out of the room, I see her face and chest smeared in blood and I run to her to see if she's okay.

"It's okay baby... it's not my blood." She says, her face like a statue. Completely blank. No pain, no guilt, no happiness, no pleasure. What did he do to her or what did she do to herself?

"Did he hurt you?" I ask her, knowing that she won't tell me what actually happened in that room according to her body language.

"No. I'm okay. Accidently ripped out his lip piercing though. Can't say I'm guilty about it though." She says, her physique telling me so much but so little. I can't tell if she looks dangerous in a good way or a bad way. She looks as if she could kill a man with her bare hands but also put a small child to bed without unsettling the child one bit.

Scarlett takes my face in her hands and presses her bloody lips against mine. At first I'm confused about what's happening inside her head, but the kiss is too deep, too passionate for me to push her away. I can only take my lips off of hers once she chooses to pull away from me.

"What was that for?" I ask, looking at the blood drying slowly on her soft, perfect skin.

"I was scared. I need comfort. You're my comfort, Bill." She says looking deeply into my eyes which makes me want to believe her, but the way she phrases it, makes it sound like it's scripted and fake.

She waltzes into the kitchen, looking around at the half made food and tools and everything that Tom got distracted from. What had she said to him to make him so eager for her? Was she doing it on purpose? Really, I just wish I knew what happens in he head when she sees Tom. And when she sees me. Is it the same reaction? What reaction is stronger? If she loves Tom as well, is it possible that she loves him more than she loves me? But she chose me back before Cat was born. That has got to count for something, right?

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