Love & death: Feel it all

Turned hard

I walk into the kitchen, feeling drained and exhausted. I've been playing a character in front of Bill without noticing. I'm starting to worry that Bill doesn't even remember the real me anymore. Who even am I? The person I just was with Tom... it felt right. It felt like me. But I've never been so agressive and... animalistic before. It's confusing me so much.
Maybe I just need to eat something and everything will be clearer tomorrow.

This person I am now. This tough woman who can make the most dangerous man in Tokyo weak just by touching him the right ways, is necessary for me to survive here. I can't leave or run away again. Tom won't let me, and I can't leave his side while our child is still somewhere unknown. We have to work together somehow, him being the father and all. But I'm so scared that once I close my eyes and start to sleep, I'll wake up being soft again. I probably won't even feel a difference, but everyone else will notice. I've turned into the kind of person Bill and Tom are.
All the signs are there: I can't controm my sexual urges. I almost strangled Tom to death, whom I love. I ripped out his lip piercing. I scratched his back bloody. Bit his shoulder. I acted strange with Bill when I left the room. I just know that he noticed something was wrong.

I just know, that I shouldn't be alone right now. It would be bad for me. I'm in a fragile state of mind, I could do anything. I am turning into a bad person. Someone evil with a cold heart.

+++

Bill comes into my room shortly after I go inside to get ready for bed. My mind is running at top speed and I can't make it stop on my own. But when Bill walks inside, it's like a weight lifted off of my chest. Bill won't need anything from me like Tom. Bill won't pressur me to anything like Tom. Bill will hold me in his slender pale arms and let me cry against his chest for hours on end if I need to. Bill is the man that I love, and I need to keep him close to me. Fuck Tom... Bill can and will protect me from the horrors of the world.
I don't need to be a strong independant woman if Bill is by my side.

I run over to him and wrap my arms around his torso. I accidently put so much force into the hug that he needs to take a step back so he doesn't fall.

"I love you, Bill. I love you so much. I can't live without you. I need you." I say like rapidfire. I don't know where that came from, but I think I might be drunk from the wine we had at dinner.
Bill wraps his arms around me reassuringly and kisses my hair softly. My whole body calms down and I feel safe with him. I can hear his heartbeat and it almost lulls me to sleep.

Bill pov:

Her body starts to get weak in my arms and I can tell that she's both drunk and exhausted.

"You need to sleep. Do you want me to stay with you for the night?" I ask her, as if we haven't been sleeping in the same bed in the same room for over a year. She nods against my chest.

"When's the last time we showered together?" I ask her, fishing for her touch. It's really all I need right now. I heard her moan Tom's name. I don't know exactly what happened in that room, but it was sexual. And Scarlett is mine. She was mine since the moment I took her off the street. She doesn't have a choice like she thinks she does. In her head, she chose me and not Tom. But it's the other way around. I chose her. And I won't allow her to undo that and choose Tom instead.

I might be just as evil as Tom, and I know that. I have a cold heart, but I do care about a few people. I care about Scarlett and Caty. And I will not let Tom take that away from me. If I have to take back what I love with force and anger, that's what I'll do.

Scarlett has fallen fro Tom once again, even though she has me by her side, giving her everything Tom can give her. Which means she is just greedy now. She is turning into one of us. I played soft after we ran away. I had to be soft to be a real and good dad, and to comfort Scarlett. But I only suppressed the real me deep inside, and now it's time to let my demons out if I'm gonna keep what I love.

Scarlett doesn't want to let go of my body, but once we're in the bathroom, she lets go of me just so we can get our clothes off. It's almost as if she becomes completely weak once she sees my naked body again. As if she hasn't seen me naked many times before. Maybe she misses me after what happened in Tom's room.

We step into the shower and wait for the water to become warm. I wrap my arms around her from behind and I can already hear her breathing exhilarate. I feel her chest rising and falling faster than usual and her heart beat stronger. I love the way she involuntarily reacts to me.

"Ugh... why am I like this?" She mumbles to herself, letting her head flop backwards onto my chest. I look down at her upside down face.

"Like what?" I ask her, feeling like I already know the answer. She's so bad at hiding her thoughts and real feelings when she's tired.

"The way my body reacts... to you and Tom. I hate it. I wish Tom would just stop trying to steal me away from you so I can live happily with you while suppressing my attraction to him." She says like rapid fire. I get why it's frustrating, I've felt something like it before. But I ended up killing Britney so she wasn't distracting me from what I really wanted. Scarlett...

"I understand... I'm not mad at you, Scar. As someone who's had many girls at the same time... it does become really hard to choose eventually..." I say. The water becomes warm and I step under the warm water, pulling her body close to my front.

"You obviously can't kill Tom or me. That's the problem. But Scar... you're mine. No matter what Tom tells you... you know that you're mine. I was the one who picked you off the street, not Tom. You are mine." I say, sounding more agressively possesive than I wanted to. But it honestly just looks like it's turning her on.

***