Love & death: Feel it all

Guilty pleasure

Bill thrusts harder making the bed slam against the wall. It just adds effect. I wrap my legs around his hips unconciously pulling him closer exactly when I need him to, and then I finally feel that feeling I've been longing for. There's nothing better in the world than when Bill makes me cum. It's like suger rush and insomnia at the same time. Like I'm feeling everything all at once. The muscles contract in my lower stomach and I moan along with him.
I feel the way his body tenses up and then relaxes, almost loosing all control of himself and collapsing on top of me.

Every time he takes a breath in, I can feel his body shaking as well as his breath rapid. I feel so relaxed which is just what I needed on top of this terrible day.
There's something about the way he reacts to me that gives me the thrill of victory. I feel so powerfull when I make him so weak. Right now, his body is trembling on top of me as if it was his first time.

"Fucking... insane. You don't even know... what you do to me." Bill says, still out of breath as he slides himself out of me. It's obvious that he doesn't want to get off of me, so he just rests his head in the crease of my neck and I'm left with a heavy human on top of me.

"I think I know... I can't breathe, Bill." I say, trying to hold in my laughter. He rolls off of me involuntarily with an annoyed groan.

"Buzz kill." He mumbles with a smile. I let out my laugh when I finally feel safe.
I roll onto my side and put my hand on his glistening white chest. I trail my fingers down to his tatoos and around his muscles. He closes his eyes and relaxes with one arm behind his head.

+++

I catch myself thinking about Tom when Bill is asleep. We took a shower together in the luxurious bathroom connected to the room we get to sleep in. It's obvious that Tom has decorated this whole house and chosen everything in it. The shower looks like it's made for having sex. I hate thinking about all the girls Tom might have fucked in this very room.

Bill shouldn't know that I have been thinking and dreaming about Tom since we left. At first I thought it was PTSD. Everything that he did to us all. I just wanted to put it behind me. But I couldn't. I kept writing in my journal trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I knew that Bill is the one that I want. I have made my choice between them.
Bill is nice and Tom is basically pure evil. But Tom is exciting. He could give me something taht I didn't know I needed. At first when I realized that I need Tom in my life, I was in denial. I didn't want it to be true. I'm happy with my little family, but I'm missing the excitement.

I was scared when Tom texted me and when he chased us all the way down to the lake, but it was exhilirating. Like never before. Maybe... the only other time was back in Tokyo. I tried to fight my feelings for Tom, but I couldn't back then. And now that I know he's right here in this house with me... it's a lot harder to resist my feelings.
And I know it would hurt Bill and that's the last thing I want to do. The knowledge that I still have feelings for Tom is eating me up from the inside. And seeing him with our baby in his arms and how happy she is with him, just makes it all worse.

Bill pov:

Scarlett thinks I'm asleep, and I know she's awake, thinking and worrying. She always does that when it's late. I can't sleep either. Something about this place just makes me feel uneasy. Not comfortable or at home.
I feel like Scar has changed after Tom brought us here. I can't really describe how, but it's almost as if she's back in her real body. Like she was trapped in some random mothers body since Cat was born. Was she just trying to deal with everything? She just looks so comfortable here. Like this is how she's supposed to live her life. Getting kidnapped here and there.

I know that she has always had this spark in her. Danger is one of the things she's good at coping with. But maybe she's gething addicted to it. Maybe Tom being here makes her remember what happened back in Tokyo. Maybe she misses all the danger and "excitement". Maybe I'll have to fight for her now.

The way Tom looks at her tells me that he still wants her just as much as I do. And I can't let him have her. She's mine and she has always been mine since I offered her that cigarette so long ago.
But Scarlett had feeling for him back then, and she might still have some of those feelings. If I'm not carefull with her, she might give in. I know she doesn't want to hurt me like that, but sometimes you just can't control it. And that's what I'm scared of.

***