Love & death: Feel it all

The winner

The mother instinc is gone for the night. I feel absolutely exhilirated. Everything happening with Tom today, the pain the caused me and the pleasure and on top of that I get to punch a slut into the ground. What a night. I've missed these kinds of nights.
It's strange how trauma can make you so much stronger. I've never felt so powerful before. I have this strange feeling that I could get both Bill and Tom. Both of them are clearly hopelessly devoted to me and would never let me go. So what would happen if I just stopped resisting and get with Bill and Tom?

"Are you okay?" Bill asks worriedly, but his voice is slightly shaking, probably from adrenaline. He picks up my hand and looks at my red knuckles.

"Oh I'm fine. I've learnt how to deal with pain. That girl needed to be punched senseless at least once." I say with a smile. Bill looks at me and then the slutty woman still on the ground, trying to get up. Then he looks back at me with a triumphant smile.

"I knew you still had it in you. I'm so sorry about what happened inside. You know I could never think that a woman like her is hot." Bill says, looking deeply into my eyes as he pulls me closer to him by the waist.
His familiar long fingers wrap around my body like vines and make me feel safe. The way he looks at me now, with such truth, makes me really believe that he would never leave me.

"I know. And I'm sorry about Tom. I think... I've changed a lot since Tokyo. I never knew that I could... react like that... to pain and trauma." I say, feeling more like I'm talking to a therapist than Bill.

"It happens. I feel like that too. I haven't always been... attratced to pain, but I changed. I don't blame you. It's exhilirating to do something dangerous or something you're not allowed to do. But I believe that you can control yourself. I believe in you, Scar." Bill says, sliding his hands up my silky shirt, swirling around on my back.

"I need... drugs. I can't get through this without drugs. Do you possibly have a cigarette? Maye - possibly - one with crack in?" I say, feeling a little guilty about needing drugs in this situation, being a mother and all, but I'll be back to normal in the morning.

"Actually... I do. Tom gave me one for some reason. You know... before he trapped me under some slutty girl. Wanna share?" Bill says with a sneaky smile that reminds me of when I first met him. He reaches into his back pocket of his fake leather jeans and pulls out a cigarette.

"Oohhhh, you lifesaver, baby. Gimme gimme." I say with a childish, eager feeling. I reach my hands out in excitement shaking them to make him hurry up.

Bill always does something special with his clothes when there's a party. Especially, a Kaulitz Party. The rumor is, that something bad always happens at a Kaulitz Party which is what attracts so many people. They want to witness it. I feel that enough bad things have happened at this party already without anybody noticing.
He's wearing fake leather pants and a furry purple coat draped over a see through black tank top. I can see his nipple piercings through the shirt which turns me on beyond belief. Chains hang from his neck, ears and pant pockets. I still think he's the coolest looking man I've ever seen.

Tom comes stumbling over to his new, shiny cherry red car with a girl under each arm. They both look incredibly young. If I didn't know better, I'd think they were both teenagers. Between 13 and 16 years old. One of them has dark beautiful skin and fluffy brown hair in a ball around her face, barely any clothes on. The other one looks paler than a vampire with booming red lips and big blue eyes that make her look like a doll.
It starts a fire inside me to see him enjoying himself with women who aren't me.

Bill lights the cigarette and takes a quick puff before handing it to me. I put it to my lips, earher to escape reality. I breathe the crack into my lungs, caughing it up since it's been so long since I've felt the stinging feeling inside my lungs. The world suddenly feels like it's on a screen and I'm far away, watching it like a movie. Nothing is real and I'm floating on a pink fluffy cloud.
I realize that the soft feeling is Bill's fluffy coat around my body. He wraps his arms around me, resting his head against my neck. We are practically holding each other up.

"BILL!!!" Tom's voice breaks the soft high and Bill lifts his head.

"Whaaaat?!" He replies, woozily.

"Let's start the race!" Tom shouts to the entire crowd and their roar rings in my head. For some reason, it sounds like a thousand kittens meowing together in my ears.
Bill grabs my arm and drags me into his car. It's the last thing I want to do, but those are the rules. I bet the girl Tom doesn't choose will go to the bathroom and kill herself once the race is over.

The drugs make me fuzzy so I don't feel the adrenaline or pressure of how important it is that Bill wins this race. I can't see which girl Tom chose, but I can almost feel the tension between the two of them. And the tension between the cars. It might have been the drugs, but it felt like there was an electrical field between us.

A girl with short brown hair and barely any clothes on, steps in front of the cars. I make sure I'm buckled in. She has a gun that she lifts into the air.

"READY..." she shouts loud enough that we can hear it inside the cars.

"SET..." she continues, shouting over the roar of the people around us.

"GO!" The cars start and I get pressed back into my seat. I close my eyes. It's always better like that. Bill shouldn't focus on my comfort, just focus on winning. The drugs and the alcohol in my body feels like they're about to come up the wrong way.
I have no idea where we're going because it feels like it's an almost straight line. And I don't know where we end.

I remember Bill winning, back in Tokyo. But has he gone soft like Tom said? Is he slower now? Out of practice? Maybe being a dad made him see the world differently. Either way, he has to win this race. It's life or death.

The car slows and I can feel it turnibg to the side, spraying dirt around under the non turning wheels. I open my eyes and see Tom jumping out of the car in front of us with the biggest most triumphant smile on his face. I look at Bill who looks like he's either about to cry, or kill someone.
We ended by a river that I haven't seen before. Not the one Tom fell in. Somehow the people managed to follow us or maybe they were just already here, waiting.

"We lost?" I mumble, the drugs feeling like nothing anymore. As if I didn't take any. Bill doesn't reply. He gets out of the car and I follow him out. I just want to hug him and tell him that we'll be okay. But then another man's hands rip me away from getting to Bill. Bill has his back turned and doesn't see it.
The man wraps his cold arms around my body and burries his face in my curls.

"Get of me!" I say, pushing and writhing to get out of his grip. He's too strong.
I keep struggling and struggling to get away, and just as I'm about to tell him to leave me alone, a gunshot rings in my ears. The hands fall off of my body and I hear the loud thump of the unknown man hitting the ground. I turn and watch as the pool of blood gets bigger around him, and then... he's dead.
I look around to see where the gunshot came from, and then I hear the familiar sound of Tom's shoes getting closer. He's holding a gun in his hand and it's still smoking.

"Did you know that guy?" Tom asks with a very serious face. I'd think he would start acting like a child and jump around me and lift me into the air screaming that he won.
I shake my head as an answer. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say thank you, so I don't say anything. When I look around, Bill seems to have dissapeared. He's not where I saw him before, not even in the vacinity.

"Where's Bill?" I ask, my voice suddenly raw and raspy. Suddenly, I feel a fist hit me directly in the face and I fall to the ground, already weakened by drugs and confusion. I look up and see Tom writhing his knuckles. He fucking punched me. I look up at him with confusion as he wraps his arms around me on the ground.

"I won't ruin that pretty face too much, I just had to do that as a thank you for this morning." Tom says, and I feel a stinging in my neck. I just get to see Tom pull a syringe away from me before I loose conciousness.

***