Love & death: Feel it all

Hard to love

The realisation hits me almost as hard as seeing Bill collapse with blood flowing from his shoulder. The look on Tom's face looks so heartbreaking that I almost can't bare looking at him. I can't imagine loosing the person I've been with side by side my entire life, and been compared to by everybody. I almost feel bad for him.

Gustav gets Bill standing and he drags him holding him by the waist into his car where Crystal helps stop the bleeding in the backseat as they drive away. I almost want to run after them to make sure Bill stays alive, but something else feels just as important. Gustav can save Bill's life, but I have to save Cassie's life.

I look at Tom who looks totally different now. Before, he looked how you would expect from someone who just shot his own twin. But now he looks like he will kill anybody who gets in his way. Or someone who isn't.

Tom looks down and meets my gaze.

"It's hard to love you, Scar. Why can't you just... fucking kill me?" Tom mumbles through his teeth. I'm shocked by his words. Why would he want me to kill him? Is he in that much pain?

"What? No... Tom. I can't do that. Why?" I ask, not being able to choose which question I want to ask him.

"I shot... my twin... when I tried to hit you. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't still be alive. I just cause more and more pain just to make myself feel okay." Tom says, looking away from me and over in Cassie's direction. It's as if someone starts a fire inside his brain and he's determained to kill. I can almost hear the voice in his head saying kill, kill, kill.

He marches over to Cassie who starts crawling towards where Gustav had parked his car. I can still see the prints of the gliding wheels in the yellow dirt.

"Tom! Don't! You're just causing more pain! Please! I love you!!!" I shout, not thinking about what I'm saying. Tom stops in his tracks but he doesn't turn around. He's just frozen.

Tom pov:

Scarlett's words suddenly make me stop in my tracks. I watch as Cassie tries to drag herself away from me as the thoughts run at top speed inside my head. Does she really mean that? I have felt it. Felt her love. She loves me just like she loves Bill. If Scarlett loves me, I have to get rid of Cassie.

I'm a terrible person, I know that. So now I need to fix my mess. Get rid of everything that reminds me of a bad life. Cassie. I'm determained to get rid of her and after that... Scarlett can be mine with no extra burden reminding me of how bad a person I am. I'm not the kind of person who shoots his own twin brother or the woman he's in love with. I'll be different once this is done. I have to make myself believe that.

I pull out my new shiny, barely used knife from the holster around my ankle. I can hear Cassie's breathing getting louder when she sees the knife and tries to crawl even faster which just hurts her wounds.

"Tom!" Scarlett shaky voice sounds as she comes bolting in my direction.

"Stay away from me! I don't want to hurt you more than I already have!" I shout back which slows her down but doesn't stop her. I put the knife into my other hand and ball my fist, ready to make her stop if she won't do it willingly. She notices and slows even more, coming towards me the last few steps as if I'm an untamed lion.

"Tom... put down the knife. Kiss me, hold me... do whatever you want to me... just leave Cassie alone." Scarlett says, thinking that I'm gonna kill Cassie out of frustration. I'm not. Killing Cassie is a necessity. I have to do it no matter what Scarlett will think of me.

So when she gets too close for my comfort, I let my fist fly and hit her cheek. She stumbles and eventually falls to the ground with her hand on her cheek. Blood pours from a split lip as she looks up at me, a tear rolling down her face.

"You're really hard to love, Tom... you know that?" She mumbles from the dirt, looking up at me with big wet eyes. I know she's hurt. Not just physically, but I'll have to deal with that when I'm done with Cassie.

I leave Scarlett on the ground by herself as I walk towards Cassie. She hasn't gotten far even with her frantic movements. All I have to do is drag her back to me and turn her around.

"I liked you Cassie... it was nice while it lasted." I tell her, thinking of nothing but getting this done so I can make Scar happy again.

"No... Tom... please... I love you, Tom! Please, don't!" Cassie says, trying to claw her way away from me into the dirt.

I clench the knife in my hand, feeling like the knife is now an extention of my own arm. It's a part of me now. I hold Cassie down with one knee on her hip and raise the knife abover her. Tears fall down the sides of her face as she writhes and squirms while scremaing at the top of her lungs.

Nobody is doing anything. Everybody know who I am and they know they shouldn't get close unless they have a death wish.

My ears are ringing, blocking out the sounds of her skincrawling screams as I plunge the knife deep into her chest. The screams stop and the panic spreads on her face. Her arms and legs are spasming when she can't defend herself with them from all of the pain.

I pull the knife slowly from the top of her chest all the way down to her belly button, watching as the blood flows over the sides of the deep cut and soaking into the dirt.
Suddenly, she stops moving. The ringing in my ears is gone but I can't hear her breathing anymore. I'd been living with her long enough to get used to her voice and her moans and whimpers of pain. And suddenly I can't hear it anymore. I can't hear her breathing.

I take the knife out of her and look at the wide gash through the middle of her stomach. The knife is soaked in blood and I wipe it on my pants before putting it back in the holster.

"I'm sorry Cassie." I mumble to myself, feeling tears threaten to escape but I take them back. I can't show any weakness now. Not in front of all of these people who fear me.

***