Love & death: Feel it all

End of my world

I can only watch in shock as Tom cuts Cassie's stomach open from her chest and down to the line of her pants. A vision flashes before my eyes of my own little daughter laying in the pool of blood with her stomach cut open by her own father. The image gets the tears flowing immediately. I never wanted anything to happen to Cassie. I was trying to protect her. All I wanted was for Tom be become a better person and a good father. But I'm not sure he's capable of that.

The weakness he showed with me in his bedroom made me believe he could be better but was scared to because of this life he's built.
But he actually thinks that killing Cassie is the only way out. That tells me a lot about the kind of person he will always be.
So why do I still love him? Why do I still want him to be a part of mine, Bill's and Caty's life?

I manage to get myself on my feet, on shaking legs - scared of almost everything. Tom has gotten up too and turned to look at me. It feels like his eyes are burning me even though he's not even close to me. He practically runs over to me to support me on my feet. I want to push him away, but something is weakening me. I keep imagining Bill in the hospital, close to death. The image of his beautiful brown eyes sorrounded by black makeup, just going completely blank and dead is too much for me to handle.
It feels like the end of my world. My wonderful and beautiful daughter is somewhere we don't know, one of the men I love is in the hospital because the other man I love shot him. It doesn't feel like I can come back on my feet again for real after this.

I turn and press my face into Tom's chest. I'm completely overwhelmed and Tom is the only one I can find some sort of comfort in. As soon as the tears hit his shirt, he wraps his arms around me and I feel like I'm back in his bed. It's almost as if I time travelled and somehow Bill seems out of my mind for a moment. All I feel is Tom. And I feel so guilty about feeling that way, but I'm too exhausted to fight Tom right now.

"It's okay princess. I'm here. Everything is gonna be okay. You know I did this for you. I'm sorry but I had to. And I'll never do it again. I promise you that." Tom says. The words are almost comforting. I know he didn't actually need to kill her, he just thinks that. And he probably can't stop killing. He'll keep killing for me for the rest of his life. And he'll kill for Caty too. There's no way I can stop that.

"Bill... I wanna... see Bill." I squeak between breaths. Tom looks understanding but dissapointed. Did he really think I would just forgive him like that? Already?

+++

Tom called Gustav asking where they were and how Bill was doing. I listened and watching his face carefully untim he hung up. The hospital wasn't far away and we managed to get here in the matter of a ten minute incredibly fast drive. I actually didn't mind his reckless driving in this situation.
The hospital felt oddly familiar, until I realized that I'd been there before. It was a confusing and scary time that I apparently left in the back of my brain, but now I remember. Going through the white halls and looking into windows of small rooms, it all comes back to me. And I'd rather not remember it. At least not all of it.

My heart beats faster when I feel like the hospital is too big for me to ever find Bill, until Tom grabs my arm and yanks me into a dark - only slightly lit up - room. The door clicks behind me indicating that it's locked and I see Bill on the hospital bed. I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest but I'm also feeling real love for the first time again. Incredible relief and devistation washes over me and I let myself rest against Bill's side as I cry onto his chest. I can't tell if he's sleeping or if he's still a little bit awake.
Tom puts his hand on my shoulder blade and without thinking, I shrug his hand off me.

"Don't do that." Tom says sternly and puts his hand back on my shoulder with more force.

"Just... let me be." I say, trying to shrug him off again, but I'm not successful. I feel the presence of him standing directly behind me and he pulls me off of Bill, turning me around in a swift movement so I'm face to face with him.

"Don't turn your back on me now. After what I just did for you. Bill isn't even awake... I'm the only one you can find comfort in, Scar. I know you love me... stop fighting it." Tom says sternly. I can't tell if he's demanding something of me or if he's just getting some feelings off his chest.

"Of course I love you, Tom... but you shot your own brother. I love Bill too. Right now I can't find any comfort in either of you." I mumble, my voice breaking. Tom doesn't look like he understands what I'm saying. Does he even have the same feelings as other humans?

"I..." Tom begins, but suddenly I feel a cold hand gripping my wrist from behind me. I immediately know that it can only be Bill, and I turn around faster than Tom can react to and look at Bill.
He looks pale and weak, but his smile is warm and inviting. I know he's probably in pain, but I still throw myself on top of him and wrap my arms around his neck.

"Ow... Scar..." Bill says, his voice raspy and I almost can't hear it. I realize that I'm hurting him and let go of him a little.

"Sorry. How are you feeling baby?" I ask him, looking into his glossy brown eyes that I feared I'd never look into again.

"Umm... I've been better. But I'm glad to see your face." Bill says, his smile fading and his eyelids seemingly getting heavy.

"Maybe you should go to sleep again. You need to heal." I say, feeling like I'd rather have him awake and talking to me than being uncontious, but he needs rest.

He doesn't say anything, he just nods and goes back to sleep in the matter of seconds. It's rare for him to fall asleep so quickly so he must really need it. And I'm left in the room what feels like all alone. Tom is in the room, but he feels like nothing but a ghost or a shadow.
I look at Bill admiring the shapes of his face and statuesque beauty. Though he looks more pale than ever, there's still that angelic beauty over him.
It's no wonder he has seduced so many women and is so successful with what he does for a living. He's what I would call a professional. It's scary and it's dangerous, but isn't that part of why I love him so much? Both Bill and Tom have layers. Sometimes too many layers for me. So many that it gets confusing to me.
I'm starting to feel like I have those layers too.

I can be sweet and a loving mother and girlfriend, but I can be fierce too. I became familiar with that once Tom came back into my life. Something awoke inside of me. Maybe it's everything that I've been through my whole life that's built up to this moment, or maybe it's a coping mechanism. What I know for sure is that right now, I don't want to be either loving or fierce. I want to blend in with the wallpaper. Be invisible.
If I don't show Tom, Bill or anyone else what I'm actually feeling and how confused I am, they can't poke me to implosion. Sometimes it feels like I'll actually implode if someone pokes the wrong spot. And Tom and Bill are very good at that. I can't afford to let them in right now.

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