DOUBLE TROUBLE

17: All I've wanted my whole life

IT FELT LIKE LOSING something. It was like losing a child. A child so many people would be blessed to have. It was like she killed somebody she hadn't even met or even knew. She couldn't read it bed time stories or cut off its PB&J's. When she would have a child in the future, everytime she laid her eyes on her child, she'd remember that she never gave her last child a chance.

James told her it was for the best. That she was still a child herself and that it'd be too much to take care of. Too much responsibility as he saw her eyeing her stomach.

"Not too much for others. If we put it up for adoption, another family would be blessed. A family that can't have kids or a family that lost their child. Maybe this child could've...had a good life" Ellie couldn't even get the words out.

It was like killing her father. Because that child would share some features or personality traits of him. And she killed it. Like it meant nothing. Maybe it had his smile, or his eye color, maybe his curly hair. Perhaps his humor. She wondered how her father felt. Knowing that maybe, just maybe, his little girl could've been a father. Maybe if it was a boy she could've named him Mark. Maybe she could've told stories to her him or her about how brave their grandpa was.

Losing this child made her not ever want to have kids. Because up in heaven or wherever they go after death, will look down and wonder what they did wrong. Wonder why she didn't want to keep them. And how, if she could've explained, how could she have said it was to safe her own reputation?

That was a very selfish thing.

She rubbed her belly sadly, a frown making its way at her lips. She regretted it.

Elizabeth came to her with a paper plate that had a PB&J on it. "Here you go"

"Thanks, mom" Ellie said, grabbing the sandwich and taking a small bite, getting the creaminess of the peanut butter and sweetness of the jelly.

"We won't speak of this any further. We don't want people finding out about this and saying we committed murder" Elizabeth said as James nodded in agreement. "And Ellie, be smarter and use protection! We don't need another baby to get rid of"

"Get rid of?"

"Well we can't keep it!"

Ellie tilted her head. "Why?"

Elizabeth sniffed and changed her posture before shrugging, "You know why, quit being foolish"

Ellie inhaled deeply. She set the plate with the sandwich on it on the coffee table. "I'm starting to regret it"

"Regret what? Getting rid of it? It's not like you committed murder, the brain wasn't even fully developed yet. We just have to move on. We can't travel back in time" Elizabeth said with a small chuckle at the last sentence.

Ellie inhaled. "You know what? I'm gonna go to Sarah's to spend the night. I haven't seen her since Midsummers" Ellie spoke, sitting up and walking toward the door.

When she opened the door, Rafe was standing on her doorstep, getting ready to knock. Ellie instantly pushed the boy to the side and closed the door. "What are you doing here?" She whispered.

"Umm. Can we talk? About it..." He didn't even know how this conversation was gonna go.

Ellie scoffed. "At your house" She spoke, walking down the steps as Rafe followed her.

"Okay, I'll drive you but umm...you'll have to ride on my motorcycle. I have an extra helmet" Rafe said as Ellie stared at the bike before letting out a loud breath. If only this day couldn't get worse.

She grabbed the helmet and put it on. Rafe got on the bike as she got on. "Hold on" He said as she wrapped her arms around his torso, her chin resting on his back as he began to drive.