Mohini- Rise Of Queen

78. Mohini Down Dark Hole

Sorry for late update, as a reward you all will get diuble updates tomorrow evening :) :)

Mohini POV 

'Ranisa, I have brought your food. Please eat something. You haven't eaten properly for days.' 

When I don't respond to Swati's pleading, just looking out of the window in my room. 

She comes to me and goes to touch me but I turn my head to glare at her. 

She stops and says with tears in her eyes, 

'Why don't you tell me, what's wrong? Ranisa I can't see you like this. You don't even leave this room at all.' 

This is what I have been doing to myself. 

I don't want to leave the room and just sit by the window, only leave to take baths. 

I don't have the urge to eat anything but if I don't eat then Raja-sa comes and feed me himself. 

I can't stand anyone's touch, it feels like my whole body is burning with that pain of 9 years ago,  not even Raja-sa's touch. 

I don't interact with anyone. I am living like a walking and eating dead body and nothing else.

Everyone had tried to approach me but I always flinch when someone comes near to me. 

They stop, seeing me flinching and I see the hurt in their eyes, which makes me feel even worse. 

But I don't pick up my hands to sign anything. 

Raja-sa is the one who is hurt the most, he sits infront of me with the pain reflecting in his eyes. 

Pain for me, pain for losing me. 

But I just can't seem to help myself, when I feel crowded I have panick attacks. 

My body burns and there is this disgusting feeling that I get when someone gets too close. 

It has happened to me 3 times so Raja-sa banned everyone from coming to me. 

Avantika, Naina and Bua-sa doesn't like this arrangement but comes to meet me seperately. 

They just sit there and tell me about their day, but I feel cottoned. 

My head feels like I am being drowned, some times the roaring of my heart is so loud that I can't hear anyone. 

I can see how much I am hurting Raja-sa, he always hurt whenever I flinch from his closeness. 

He sleeps on the couch to respect my distance and watches me as he sleeps. 

Every night I wake up in the middle of the night drenched with sweat, remembering the dream, my disgusted past. 

Making me vomit, in the middle of night I go to vomit. 

I would do this so frequent that Bua-sa thought that I was pregnant. She was so happy. 

I felt so bad, but also felt disgusted with myself. 

How can I carry Raja-sa's pure child in this vile, filthy body of mine? 

I feel like that Raja-sa can't touch this filthy body which has been used by vile men for their pleasure. 

This vessel is downright dirty, I don't deserve him. 

I have started to hate my body with passion. I tried to rub my skin so many times hard. 

But Swati is always there to not let me do that. 

I cry whenever I am alone. My tears doesn't seem to dry up. 

I hate myself, I hate this pathetic version of me, always crying.