Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Thirty Four - 22

"It broke my heart, but I was having the time of my life. It was conflicting. Confusing. I tried to focus on the good as much as possible, but I'm not that kind of person. Freen is," Becca said, a tender smile softening her expression as she pushed one sleeve further up her arm. "Sometimes it felt like I was forcing myself to do fun things for her benefit, so that she wouldn't see how worried I was, how much I doubted our future together. And it worked. The summer that I was twenty-two was so magical and perfect that I even wrote a song about it. I was surrounded by friends and my love, and my career was flourishing."

She let out a quiet laugh, fiddling with her cuff as she gave Mei a forced smile. 

Sometimes, she wished so desperately she could go back to that summer, to linger in the sunny days spent by the pool, bare limbs tangled up in bed at the guest house, far away from prying eyes. 

She wanted to go back to those moments before everything had burned down and she'd lost her again. Back before she'd realised it hadn't been worth it, to let it all slip through her fingers once more. 

They'd been happy then.

"Of course, people were talking - that's all they ever seem to do - and despite the fact that this was the first time they'd ever had irrefutable proof that I was dating someone, it was like I'd been branded with a red A. It was bizarre to me, to suddenly have every news outlet talking about how many men I'd dated, coming up with lists and lists of people I'd never even met. Benjamin Lockwood fanned the flames on those rumours, just another man I'd use and toss aside when I set my eyes on someone else. I'll admit, it helped."

Letting out a short laugh, Becca couldn't help but smile, a mocking edge to it as her eyes flashed. 

"I was going to be releasing an album in the fall, and before I'd even announced it, I was the talk of Hollywood once more. It seemed like every time I tried to step out of the spotlight, it honed back in on me. It made it difficult to sneak around with Freen, but there was no better defence than the fact that everyone thought I was this crazed, man-eating demon."

"I'm sure that got old very quickly."

Sighing heavily, Becca tipped her head back, making a sound of annoyance at the back of her throat as she bared the pale expanse of her neck. 

Arms draped over the sides of the armchair, she splayed her fingers and rested her head against the leather back of it, letting her head roll slightly to the side. Meeting Mei's amused expression, Becca couldn't help but let out a quiet groan of laughter.

"You have no idea. The list of men I pretended to date was around six or seven; I would say that's relatively normal for someone my age. I'm about to turn thirty at the end of this year, and I'd falsely dated six to seven men. In reality, I've only ever dated two women, so it bothered me. As much as I tried not to let it bother me, it really did. And I was only twenty-two then! I was barely an adult and I had middle-aged men scrutinising my dating habits and my virtue. It was vile. The whole thing. But it was a relief because all I could think about was what they'd say about me if they knew the truth. What horrible words they'd call me, what they'd say about her. It was easier to bear it knowing that it protected us from much worse."

"And you're not worried about what they'll say now?"

Shrugging lazily, Becca raised her eyebrows slightly as her mouth turned down at the corners, looking carelessly amused. 

She spread her hands in an unconcerned gesture. Becca was aware of the reckless game she was playing with her career, and had years to fret over the fallout of making such a bold move, and all that was left now was just weary resignation.