Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Sixty Two - False God

"There's not much else to say on my story now, other than it's been a very long process of self-discovery and learning. But that'll never stop, even after this is all over," Becca said with some weariness, the day dragging on as the afternoon diminished her.

Outside the window, the sky was still grey and the rain lightly tapped against the windows, but the light had waned slightly, still clinging to the days of winter.

Night was only a few hours off and Becca was aware of how long she'd been talking, her voice faintly scratchy and her body restless to get up and walk to stretch her legs, to shake off the lingering cloud of memories that hung about here, even after vocalising them.

"Even over the last year, I realised so much about myself and my career. What I wanted. And that tour for Reputation... it was something of a relief. I knew it'd be over soon, all of the separation, the pretending. It was still hard, of course - I don't think that was ever something we got used to. There's no getting used to being away from someone you love, especially when you can't even take advantage of the time you're together because you're just scared all the time. But we had that faith in everything working itself out in the end."

"To have spent so many years trying to make it through all of these hardships, it must have taken an incredible amount of faith to believe that this time it would stick. Didn't you ever doubt that?"

Letting out a chuckle, Becca winced slightly.

"Of course. I doubted it all the time; that's what insecurities do to you. And God I hated that I could feel so insecure and things would be so great but then there'd be something small that would frustrate one of us and it was so hard to believe that it was surmountable. When you put it all into perspective though, when you give yourself choices, there was only one option for us."

"Were there ever times you wanted to just call it?"

Blowing the air out of her cheeks, Becca deliberated for a moment.

"I mean... yeah, but never in any serious way. We'd just be having a hard time, with Freen shooting and me touring, and it would have been a few weeks and, as I said, there'd be those small frustrations, and I'd tell her. I'd tell her to just go when it was hard to talk to her, that we were stupid and maybe we'd been rash, and she'd say the same to me too, but I think those were just our fears, you know? When you're afraid you're going to lose someone, it's like you almost want to push them into going, just so you don't have to live with that fear anymore. When the worst has happened you don't have to spend all your time worrying about it happening."

Nodding in understanding, Mei uncrossed and recrossed her legs.

"And what made you get through it? I mean, a lot of celebrity couples seek out therapy--"

"I think for me, I just couldn't see it benefiting me. It was never anything serious; neither of us ever considered getting divorced. We just held onto that thought of living together, having a life together. It used to feel so far away, all those years ago, but it was so close last year that we just kept clinging to that faith that soon. Soon."

With a wry laugh and a rueful smile, Becca gestured offhandedly.

"You know, I think it was a good thing I was raised Catholic; it instilled in me the will to believe in something impossible, something you can't even see. And while I may have given up on religion, I found something new to worship. My wife has been infinitely more influential in my life than any sort of belief that held me back. I don't regret shunning the country music base or the Catholic Church one bit; I can respect people that can accept and respect me, but the others - and that goes for anyone else who will have something negative to say about me - I've long since given up on trying to please."