Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Sixty One - The Archer

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"Have you ever been afraid of something happening for so long and then it just... didn't?"

The troubled look on Becca's face made Mei tilt her head to the side as she gave her an appraising look. Humming faintly, the talk show host nodded after a moment.

"Sometimes. People always expect the worst to happen."

"Yeah, exactly," Becca murmured. "I was worrying and panicking about things that no one else could see or feel, so to an outsider it looked like I was worrying about nothing, despite it being so real to me. I spent years letting that worry eat away at me, dictate my every moment down to if a look lingered too long or if we could even be at the same event... and then I kissed her in the green room and... nothing. Not a word."

Letting out a strained laugh, Becca smiled at her lap, picking at the hem of her shirt.

"I guess it's true that Hollywood covers for each other; for good and bad things. They saw us, of course they did, but everyone just looked the other way. No one cared."

"Did that make you feel better or worse?"

With a weary sigh, Becca's cheek twitched with a shallow dimple as a ghost of a smile graced her lips.

"It didn't change anything. I spent a lot of time thinking about how we could've been a little bolder perhaps - and we did afterwards - but I also don't think I would've risked so much on the belief that strangers would have my best interests at heart. I felt nauseous for weeks afterwards, waiting for the story to drop. I'd been rash, kissing her like that, but I'd accepted that it would come out. That out of the few people in that room, one of them would leak it. They must've, because we went to parties together and there would be that coy understanding. People knew we were a couple or there was something going on between us. None of them would have benefited themselves by leaking it though."

"That can mean nothing in Hollywood though. We're notorious gossips and stuff usually gets out. You two must've been lucky to escape that."

Shrugging, Becca smiled ruefully.

"We were," she lightly agreed, "but we didn't flaunt it." Inhaling deeply, she paused for a moment, letting the lungful of air settle her before she exhaled in a long breath. "I guess that, even when you've been told that something's okay, if you're used to waiting for the bad to happen, for the catch... you don't let your guard down. We told a few more friends, we allowed ourselves to be around each other publicly at private parties, and sure, there were the knowing looks and people put it together, but we were still cautious. I think Freen would've liked to drop the charade--"

"You wouldn't have?"

Shrugging again as her smile wavered slightly, Becca cleared her throat and narrowed her eyes at a spot on the wall for a moment before replying.

"I don't know. I mean, yes, of course, but like I said... when you're used to hiding, how do you get over that? How does that feeling of guilt, of feeling like you're doing something wrong, ever go away? I'd spent my whole life keeping a big part of who I am a secret; it wasn't easy for me to let go of the comfort that secrecy offered me, and I think... even though I'm ready for everything to be out in the open, it's still going to be a huge adjustment for me. I think it'll be a long time before I can comfortably walk down the street holding her hand because for so long, even that has been this thing that was forbidden."