Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Forty One - You Are In Love

"I went back on tour with the surety that things were taken care of. The story came out that Freen was dating Saint Matthews, and it was just enough coverage to keep people off our backs without it being too on the nose. I was kept busy - radio interviews, talk shows, talent show performances and charity events. I didn't see her again until June."

"Intentionally?"

With a scoff of laughter, Becca arched an eyebrow. 

"Definitely. But... but Freen and I agreed that it would be for the best as well. We were both dealing with a lot. I hate to admit it, but I was... jealous. Just the thought of her and Saint together was enough to make me feel... U don't know. I don't know what I felt. I trusted her - it wasn't that - I think perhaps it was just envy. I wanted to be able to hold her hand like he could, and she would feel that when it was me with a new man. Distance kind of gave us the space to detach ourselves from the celebrity parts of our lives."

"That seems... impossible. Especially for you. Freen's career has been... vast. She's won prestigious awards and been on Broadway and everyone knows her. But you... there's something about musicians that brings on a rabid fanbase, as well as the A-list status. And you've been at the pinnacle of that for a while now. Could you ever really detach yourself from that? Escape it? Hide from it?"

With a rueful smile, Becca brushed her hair back and let out a heavy sigh. There was a bitterness to the twist of her mouth as her eyes flashed with wicked amusement.

"That's the thing, it is possible. Celebrities aren't... we're not- okay, so people know where my houses are. They know where yours is, and even where minor celebrities live, and paparazzi will hang around the latest big thing, snapping photos of them, and they know the hottest hangouts. But that's the thing; aside from all of that, it's not too hard to disappear, even being a celebrity. If you don't tag your location, don't publicise your life or go to the spots everyone's talking about then you can disappear. You can go off the grid. I could do that. We were just- we went off the grid with each other."

"You weren't really on the grid together though, were you? Sure, there was a single article that a few people saw - I can't even remember it and as a talk-show host I'm supposed to be up to date on every scrap of gossip - but it seemed like your team was... a little extreme."

Gingerly baring her teeth, Becca tipped her head to one side and then straightened up.

"I mean, it was, and it wasn't. Self-preservation is a big thing for any celebrity, and I understand that they were doing what was best. For both Freen and myself. It didn't always feel like it, but I suppose it's similar to parenting in that way... with me being the child. I resent the constraints, in hindsight, but fear does strange things to you. Makes you agree to do everything in your power to keep dark secrets, even when the only thing you want is the exact opposite."

"You wanted to come forward?"

"I just wanted her," Becca said, her voice cracking on the last word as a flicker of pain ran across her face. She cleared her throat and gave Mei a wan smile, "in any way. Always."

The distance was as painful as a knife to the chest, like a piece of Becca had been cut away, just out of her reach. It should've been simple, but it was anything but that. 

They Facetimed each other, they called and kept up a constant stream of texts through various phone numbers and pseudonyms. Becca had saved Freen in her contact under Miss Americana as a precaution that touched back to the joke they'd made, and nothing made her happier than to see that name pop up on her screen.

It didn't make the empty side of the bed any easier, or the time differences as Becca hopped from country to country in a whirlwind of massive crowds and repetitive performances.