Miss Americana and The Hearbreak Princess

Chapter Thirty Seven - Out Of The Woods

"Well, now I know that whatever happened here didn't inspire Back To December. That was years before, right?" Mei said, her eyebrows raised expectantly.

Becca waved a hand dismissively, "oh God, no. No, that song was about someone very dear to me who was going through a lot in their own relationship. And in no way connected to what happened three years later. Although, I did write a song about it, yes. Out Of The Woods."

"Ah. Right."

Becca nodded thoughtfully as Mei ran through her memories, trying to dig up information on what lyrics she could cobble together from that song. 

She most likely had no recollection of it - Becca had never known if she was being nice because it was her job not to piss off potential interviewees, or if she genuinely did like her music - but Becca gave her a moment to try and piece it together anyway.

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but everyone thought that was about Nicky Evans."

"Oh, of course they did!" Becca laughed in surprise, a smile stretching across her face. "They thought songs that had been written, recorded, released as a single and had a music video before there were even whispers about us were about him. I didn't correct them. Obviously. But, I can assure you, very few songs on my albums have ever been about men. And certainly not in a romantic sense, regarding myself."

"So... Freen. Is this when it ended again?"

With a soft chuckle, Becca smiled sadly, her green eyes softening with a sorrowful, bittersweet look. 

"No, not then. I was just- have you ever loved someone so much that you've been scared that you're going to lose them, and it would literally kill you? Because that's how I felt about Freen. As much as I tried to push it aside, I just- I had this feeling that she was going to leave me. And it wasn't anything to do with her, because she was wonderful and I'd feel so safe when I was with her. Everything was perfect, and we were so in love that it just frightened me even more. I wasn't sure I would survive her leaving me. Not again."

Trailing off into silence, Becca drew her hands into her lap and fiddled with the rings on her right hand, a clouded expression on her face as a lump lodged itself in her throat. 

Her dark hair concealed her face from the camera, although she could see the flicker of movement out of the corner of her eye, between the thin curtain of curls, and knew that the cameramen were adjusting their angle, trying to catch this moment of pensive quietness.

Forcing a wan smile onto her face, Becca lifted her head, tossing her dark hair back out of her face, and squared her shoulders as she gave Mei a level look, holding her curious stare. 

Softly clearing her throat, Becca drew in a deep breath that filled her up and seemed to bolster her slightly. 

The muscles in her jaw twitched slightly - she could feel them jumping as she clenched her teeth through the smile - and she leant back in her seat, one arm slung over the back in a careless gesture.

"So I did the one thing I could to make it easier for myself. Well, I thought it'd be easier. I tried my very best to drive a wedge between us because if I chose to end it, I thought it'd hurt less."

"Oh... you--"

"No," Becca firmly replied, shaking her head as she cut Mei off mid-thought. "Freen saw right through me, of course. She was having none of it. I think... I think for me, it was- it was the moment I realised that she was committed. She was committed to us in a way that was shockingly real, and I wondered for the first time whether perhaps our relationship was more serious for her than it was for me. I loved her completely, of course, but I wasn't yet twenty-three at that time. I felt foolishly naive and childish so often, despite all the drama I had to endure. I think that added pressure only made me feel Even more out of my depth, but I think I realised... if I had to pick a moment, I would say it was that day. That day was the day that I knew that I was in too deep for it to be a clean break."