This Love (Paige Bueckers)

43

narrative

Alice pov

"please mom," Lillian begs. "I love her."

"I don't care!" her mom laughs. "it's a sin!"

"I'm an atheist mom!" Lillian blurts out.

"what?!" her dad screams.

"I don't even believe!" she yells. "I just want to be able to marry the love of my life! please!"

"you know what," her mom scoffs. "I don't even care anymore. do whatever the fuck you want."

both of her parents leave.

"fuck!" she yells.

"it's okay," I start to hug her.

"no!" she cries. "it's not okay!"

"breathe," I say. "it's going to be okay."

"oh fuck," she sighs. she lies down fully in the couch. "I need my meds."

"what?" I ask.

"I'm going to," is the last thing she says before she blacks out.

her body twitches slightly.

I spring up and run to the kitchen. I grab her meds out of the cabinet and run back.

her eyes are rolled back into her head.

I grab her wrist to check her pulse. when I press my fingers down onto her wrist I feel something scratchy. I look down to see, what appears to be, skin that has been scratch very aggressively.

a tear springs to my eyes. what's it from?

after a few minutes she wakes up.

"hi," I say, handing her water and her meds.

"hi," she whispers.

"they're gone if you were worried about that," I say.

"I know," she says

"okay," I say.

the silence is loud.

"lill?"

"yeah?" she answers.

"what's on your wrist?" I ask.

she looks down at it. "sometimes when I get nervous or upset, I scratch myself."

"until you bleed?" I ask.

"yeah," she whispers. "with everything that's happened with my parents, it's been super hard."

"baby," I whisper. "you know that's self-harm, right?"

"what?" she pauses. "it is?"

"yes," I say as a tear falls down my cheek. "are you trying to self harm?"

"I don't know," she whispers. "I just want all of this stuff to be done." her face falls to her hands. "I just want to marry you."

"I want to marry you too," I say. "I just wish your parents weren't being like this."

"me too," she laughs. she shouldn't be laughing, but she is. "can you do me a favor?"

"anything, lill," I say.

"can you go get me a strawberry banana naked from the gas station?" she asks.

"of course," I say. "turn on a show and rest, okay?"

"okay," she says.

I walk out of the door and finally let my emotions come out.

I can't believe that she's been hurting herself and I didn't even notice. what the fuck is wrong with me?