Rules of the Game

Sunny

I sat on Shaan's bed staring out the window for an hour trying to make sense of what happened. I texted him and regretted it immediately. The text reads, "Hi, when will you be done?" I now debate if I should have added a heart emoji or maybe a smiley face. Without an emoji, it reads serious. Should I add an emoji now, two hours later? That will be even weirder like I am being impatient. Defeated by the complexity of trying to unload my feelings into rudimentary tools, I give up.

I really should have rested my body today but I didn't know what else to do, so I came to the gym. What happened between us keeps replaying in my mind. A part of me wants to run away, while another part is savoring every remembered detail. Just like when I used to reopen my scabs to examine the healing underneath.

I walk over to the conference room for the team meeting. My teammates immediately start pulling my leg, "So, how is Shaan?" I say something lame like, "He is fine. Why do you care?" The jokes continue but my retorts are not the usual sharp variety. Can they sense something is up with me? I take a couple of deep breaths to root myself in the moment instead of my head.

The meeting starts and we stop acting like twelve year olds. I am expected to lead the meeting along with the head coach. As a new captain it means a ton more preparation. I push myself to be familiar with the opponent team. I make sure I have watched reruns of their recent matches for signs of weaknesses that my team could exploit. When I speak, my goal is to rally the team, make sure they know what I expect from each of them tomorrow and how I anticipate the other team to play. When I get into game mode, there is no space for anything else. The hour passes quickly and I am glad for the break.

After, I hang back to give the coaches and staff a heads up about the changes to my room arrangement. They are clearly annoyed but hold back from disciplining their new captain and star player. At least that didn't take as much effort as I had expected. Celebrate the small wins-- I am living my best life as a series of motivational quotes. What is wrong with this picture?

This hotel has a separate cafe for the players, which on any other day would be nicer than ordering food up to the room. I spy Hari Bhai at the cafe. I try to sneak away but he waves to me to join him. I walk over.

"So, Mr captain, how was the meeting? You guys ready for the beating we will give you tomorrow."

"Hari bhai, shut the sledging and enjoy your food. You got a lot going on yourself with the whole captain situation. We have all the time tomorrow to get at each other."

"I am not worried. Roy will cool it soon. The guy has the right to be a little upset." He looks around and asks, "Where is your boyfriend?"

Everyone who played on the country team calls us, Shaan and I, boyfriends. It was during our international tours that we cemented our bond. We would do everything together; eat, sleep, gym, practice. We even spent our free time together.

"Actually, I was hoping he would be here."

"He left quickly after our meeting. I thought he was rushing out to meet you." Hari takes a bites, chews on his food and then gently asks, "So, did you guys resolve the situation? He was super stressed about bringing it up with you."

I almost throw up the gulp of water I just took. Did Shaan tell Hari about our situation? I tactically say, "Yeah, we chatted about some heavy shit. What exactly was he complaining about to you?"

"You know Shaan. Sometimes I can't make sense of what he is getting at. Something about losing his form or something? And that he senses you holding back things from him. He was getting nowhere so I told him to talk to you face to face and get it off his chest early so that it doesn't impact his game tomorrow."

That explains the resolve I saw in his eyes, and his idiotic plan. But it worked. Didn't it? Brought some things out into the open.

"Go grab your plate...I will keep you company."

"Nah bhai, I am going to take my food up to the room. Feel a bit spent." Thankfully Hari bhai doesn't insist. I love Hari bhai. He is someone I can be me with. Well, as much me as I can be with anyone. I am glad Shaan has him on his team.

When I get back to the room, it is very quiet. Shaan is still not back. He has not replied to my text either. Should I text him again? I spend ten minutes typing, and re-typing a message. In the end, I throw the phone away in frustration and go back to my now cold plate of food. All this effort and planning, what if Shaan doesn't even come back to his room tonight?

I am restless and need a distraction. I head to insta. Soon the happy, beautiful people living their best life make me even more miserable. Maybe I can post a hot photo of me? That will definitely get his attention. Sunny, you arrogant ass, that's the kind of impulsive shit that got you into this mess in the first place. Soon I am flipping through my reels feed. Not as many reels of us. Is the PR finally working, or has the algo moved on? I check the messages app again. Messages from everyone but him! Accept it, Sunny. You are completely infatuated and unable to do anything about it. Stop being creepy and find a way to move on. Go on that date that Shani was setting up with the actress. Good PR and just the thing you need to distract yourself.