Rules of the Game

Neelam

The game finished one hour ago. Shaan caught a nick off Sunny's bat at fifty seven. The video is all over Insta already. The edits focus on Shaan blowing a kiss at Sunny while celebrating excessively with his teammates. I notice the expression on Sunny's face as he walks off watching the replay. Is Sunny blushing? I have been in weekly zoom calls with him, and I am pretty sure he is blushing. Last time he made that face was when I had told him he had nothing to fear from the rumors, all the girls in this country and half its boys want to marry him.

I am burying myself in work today to forget last night. But really, I am just doom scrolling Insta. The only content in my reels now is Sunny. I find myself watching the same reels over and over again. The same content is edited a million ways with some narrative: he is hot, he is into Shaan, he is failing, he will come back stronger. His every expression, every smile, every little gesture is examined by thousands of people. It must change him, to be dissected like that. To be so loved, and hated, or competed with. The pinnacle of achievement is rather constricting. It feels good to pity him versus myself. He is a bird in a golden cage of the game, while I am a flightless bird in the real game. Neither of us can fly. Wow, I should write that down for the day when I finally decide to write a book. Sameer walks in, and I force a smile. "What's up?"

"I did not see you all day today. I missed being peppered with random questions."

"Sameer, I am not in the mood. I have too much work."

"What? Your golden boy is flying high. Come on, close that laptop. I will take you out for a drink." Then he mutters, "You seem like you need it."

I let myself be dragged. I really do need a drink to get out of this rut. Sameer knows all the fancy bars near the office but he takes me to a dingy place playing old bollywood music. We find a table easily and he disappears towards the bar. I am back on my phone. I can see what the fuss is about. Something pure grips you through the screens when you see Sunny and Shaan together.

"So, what is going on?" Sameer asks as he sets down the beers.

"Do you think gay guys have the best sex?" If he is shocked with the question, he doesn't show it. Frankly, I am shocked with my own question. "Sorry, I mean to say...you know how guys are more open when talking about...bodily needs...do you think they have better relationships because of...that?"

Sameer is still struggling to find an answer, but I say, "Never mind. You don't need to answer that."

"How is a court of thorns and roses coming along?" He changes the subject.

"I will probably finish it tonight."

"I cannot wait to discuss with you the twist! I didn't see it coming..."

"No, NO, stop Sameer...don't you dare spoil it for me!"

"Sorry, I am dying to discuss with someone IRL!"

I blurt out, "I saw Akash yesterday." Sameer's eyebrows rise, and his mouth makes an O but no sound comes out.

"How was it? You guys back together?" He has only met Akash once, at last year's company holiday party.

I make a face at him. "No." But I cannot say why am I not back with him? He is a good guy. Decent looking, reliable, smart, even somewhat interesting. My family loves him. They think we will get married soon.

"Phew! I would hate to have to pretend to like him." He smiles, "But I would do it for you even if it breaks my heart."

I laugh. I wish I could tell him I regretted sleeping with him yesterday. It had been a while and he was familiar. Those fifteen mins have occupied all my brain space since. We fell into old patterns. Akash didn't ask me what I wanted, and I couldn't say what I wanted. I was thinking about it but I couldn't say it. I wanted him to linger at my neck, suck on my breasts, maybe go down on me but I couldn't say any of that. No one taught me the words. I have learnt the words but for some reason...the words refuse to form in my mouth. I am scared that the day the words escape my lips, years of be-a-proper-girl training will leave me disgusted with myself. Am I dirty and unclean to feel these things, to voice these things? Will Akash want to marry me when he finds out I have desires too?"

"Don't tell me you are day dreaming gay sex right now," Sameer says

"Shut-up Sameer! Let's discuss your sex life!"

"Nonexistent"

"I seriously doubt it! The whole office fawns over you."

"Office romance is...whats's the word I am looking for...too much drama. But it can also be very...interesting...with the right person." I refuse to take his hint, and smile sweetly like it all passed over my head. We have another drink, and gossip about the whole office. Meena was wearing the same outfit two days in a row last week. Ray was flashing his hickey to everyone in the office and to one person in particular. How is that Sohail keeps climbing the ranks so fast? He is good but does he have to make the rest of you look like shit?

I feel so much better after hanging out with Sameer. Turns out I didn't need to spill all the beans. I just needed someone to know that I made a mistake, that I am fallible, and have them not judge me for it.

Mum calls me as soon as I step into the apartment.

"Neelu, are you just getting back from work?"

"Hello to you too, mum"

And so begins the hour long act of persuasion. "He is such a good boy." "I ran into his mother yesterday." "Did you know he got a promotion at work?"

My mum must think I am her doll. Someone she can set on a path of her choosing, teach the lines to recite, and play her game.