Unspoken Words

Guilt of your Love

You were my first true crush; someone I had gotten enough courage to muster up within the pit of my butterfly filled stomach to ask out. That same courage is what drew me away from your sweet words and soft touches even though my heart ached with every move I drew. Every whisper that escaped your lips while I drew further and further away, never begging me, never reaching out... just barely at the surface.

I don't blame those whispers. What could you have done? I'm difficult. I have high standards. A cold-hearted bitch with little soul to give anyone the time of day. I've heard it all and maybe those comments made a mark, maybe they didn't. I just know what I feel now is nothing but sadness.

What we had, was beside the point. I had watched you from afar too long and when you were finally in my grasp I lost you. I didn't give you the affection you had so much deserved. It was past our prime.... past our time or maybe I just didn't fight enough for you. That must be it. I had never fought for this love. Our love.

I should have clawed into you. I should have sat you down and told you what I really felt. What I really wanted. You want to be friends but something more and new. Something I had never felt before. I told you I wouldn't run. I promised you I wouldn't. But I did worse.. I drew inward to myself and neglected you altogether. No wonder I still ache from this time in my life. No wonder I still feel the guilt of your love. The guilt of what could have been.

I feel like drowning in this toxicity of guilt that I feel toward you. I look at you and I see your smile toward her, and I hang my head low. The her you have now is beyond great and I wouldn't wish to take that happiness from you, but I can't help but look back at our time. I couldn't help but feel this pain and think of what could've been me.