Unspoken Words

My Dear Friend

To tell you the truth would be suffocating.

I don't think you understand just how much I can't say things. How many... the words are lost. I try yet all I can do is ramble and make excuses and feel sorry toward you. Sorry for me. For how I act and for how I think and feel and... and not feel.

So many things scare me.

You told me you would wait for me...

How can I ask this of you? How can I ask you to wait while my feelings are all over the place and I can't seem to express anything to you properly?? I want to say everything, and I want to hold on to everything. Ha, how can I??

So many things scare me.

The problem is me...

Every time I hurt you, I think why can't I just tell you how I feel. The problem isn't that. The problem is that I feel two things, like two sides of a coin, and I want both sides. The more I think I know myself the more confused I am... and ... and the more confused I am about us.

So many things scare me.

There are things I am unsure of...

There are things I question. There are things... how to do I put it... that scare me, because of not knowing, I guess. Scare me... hmmm this is a phrase I know so well. It's like an old friend who pops up just to say they still exist even though you are trying to hide yourself from them. I guess you are even scared of them as if they can creep into you... controlling your thoughts. I think I am losing myself... just because of this friend. I am questioning things that I once knew were sures. Well, I thought they were at least. Now I am not so sure of those things I question. Ha, I am even confusing myself just thinking of these things that were once sures.

This friend... the one that scares me. How can I escape you? You lurk in the same shadows that I can't escape from. My own.

You delude my thoughts and feelings with ones that are contradictions. You say you give me a choice but why can't I choose. Why when the time comes when I must make a choice... I am speechless. You put your hand over my throat and squeeze. Suffocating every good thought... every feeling making me numb and wish things that were not true to become reality. You whisper tiny lies into my ears, causing me to question... everything I know. How could you? How could a friend like you... become such a fiend.

Tell me! Why do you hurt me so? Why must I fear you... WHY? A thing in the shadows...A thing that only leaches onto the nearest thought I have. A thing that only whispers lies while I look for truths. A THING THAT TURNS EVERYTHING I KNOW... EVERYTHING I LOVE AGAINST ME.

Why must I be afraid of the same thought that only wants to scare me?? The things I am unsure of and the love that I want... I deserve it. You... a fiend in the shadows... are nothing but a parasite. One that keeps coming back no matter how far I run. One who has my throat in their hands. Squeezing me... squeezing everything I love causing my insides to contort against the pressure. All I can think of is running... yet all I want is to know everything I once knew. Everything I was once so sure of.

You consume me and leave me in a state where I am nothing. I fear so so many things... yet what scares me the most is you... my dear friend... the one that causes such turmoil within. The same one who suffocates my voice from the one I love just to see me squirm under the pressure. The same one I can't outrun. The same one who only lurks within... within my own heart.

So many things scare me, but what scares me the most is you. The thought of scaring me is what scares me. The unknowns and the unsures are what scare me and that causes me to fear the idea of being scared. Ha, how pathetic of I to trust you... my friend. The lies you spew... I am sure are my unsures. I know me... better than you think you know me. Oh, my dear friend... you cause me such woe yet why?? Why am I scared of being scared? This is something I do not know yet... but be sure...

It isn't you... my love.

All I want is you...