Unspoken Words

Mirage

I look at you from afar not knowing how to approach. Not knowing the words to say.

You've been my man, for 720 days and yet...you seem so far from me. Just barely out of my grasp. Just a mirage of an image like the horizon across the desert.

I think...I think you are someone I love. Yet, I am unsure.

I mean I think I know I love you and I care for you, yet when I think about it. You know these feelings... my feelings. I can't help but stumble and fall. I can't help that I am unsure... of me.

I want you, yet I can't help but feel indifferent when you cry to me. I try to relate, and I try to be there for you, yet all I want to do is tell you to get over it.

Haha, I'm horrible, aren't I?

See tonight I cry because, not over you, but because I don't care. I don't care that you are worried and sad over me and that I hurt you. I don't care... and that is what makes me sad. That is what makes me confused...

My feelings are like a mirage across the desert. They show a beautiful flowing river across a dry desert, just simply out of reach.

I can't help that I don't give one flying fuck about what I did to you and that feeling scares me. It terrifies me because I want to want to care. I want to be there for you... yet I can't help but think terrible things.

I can't help but think of that night.

I don't know what you want to hear from me... and I have no idea how to comfort you when I have no feelings.

The problem... is that I want to feel things. I mean I'm supposed to right?

Tonight, I drink my problems away as I have done before and think back. What have I done to you? How many tears have you shed because of me? How many times have I thought "if only he would get over it?"

I'm scared that I am not like everyone else. That I can't be the woman you want me to be. That you hope I am.

I don't want to lose you, yet I don't think I can hold onto you.

Do you think I am selfish? If you do, I think you are right as this mirage is only a mirage. One very much out of reach. One that tricks you... even when you are hoping. A vicious one.

Tell me... can you love someone who cannot love? Who feels confused when they don't understand why you are sad? Who can't relate to you when you need them the most? Who feels like they are pretending when they show you "how much they care"?

Tell me... can you love me when I am like this? When I am nothing but a mirage?