Unspoken Words

Rough Seas

My hands shake as I try to grasp your shirt while you pull away. My insides churn with anxiety as I suspect this will be the last time I see you. My heart breaks as I can't think of a world without you by my side, guiding me through the darkness of the waves. My voice, but a whisper in the cloud of negative seas. Can't be heard. Can't be felt.

My breath catches in my throat as I try to hold you closer to me yet all you do is slip through my fingertips like wispy mist by the breeze. I want to shout out to you. Let you know how I feel, let you see the real me, yet something pulls me from you. Holds me from you.

Is it me that is so broken?

So broken, that I can't lean on you?

The rough seas that we so gallantly take head-on are forcing us to capsize; forcing us to surrender our love. The waves pushing against trying to get to us, clawing their way toward us. The waves know; they know how much we struggle. They can feel the raw emotion we can't admit to ourselves. They feed off my fear and your disappointment in me. They can tell how weak I am.

I'm the one...

I'm the one...

Who's holding you back.

I'm the one... who's drowning you in these rough seas.

If only I was stronger. If only I could speak up or maybe have the courage to tell you how I really feel. Yet, all I have within me is defeat. The sense of dread. Darkness.

The waves push in, and I try to reach you, yet you are swept away from me. Lost. Lost in the endless abyss before me. I drown in sorrow, gasping for that one sentence. That one apology that I was so weak to say.

"I'm sorry."

The whisper is too late though. You are gone and I am left in the rough seas alone. The same seas that have held on to me for as long as I can remember. The same seas that comfort me when there is a conflict, a raw emotion, a smile, a laugh. They swallow me until there is nothing left till the empty shell that so many of you know.

I'm scared.

If only I was stronger, I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't be thinking of the worst possible situation. I would have leaned on you more. I would've talked things out with you. I would've...

Ha... "I would've" is a statement for someone who has given up already. As I write this, the same seas I drown in comfort me, that are swallowing me whole, are also holding me back.

I want to change.

These rough seas will not take you from me.

They will not drown me.... yet.