Unspoken Words

Role Model

"Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent."

Growing up with growing pains is not unusual. In fact, it's something everyone feels. The constant tightening of your muscles. The constant ache striking you in the middle of the night only to disappear when you wake.

I remember this feeling well. I would roll around in the covers grabbing at my legs begging for mercy. The pain wrapping itself like vines around me just as the covers held me down. I gripped the sheets wishing for the pain to stop only to succumb to sleep. By morning, the pain gone.

I cannot say the same for the constant ache I feel from You.

Growing up with You, was like a constant growing pain. Always felt, yet waiting to strike in the dead of the night. Ready to fill my heart with pain and guilt.

You were my role model.

You were someone I looked up to with adoration and enamorement.

Until, I stood above You...looking down in embarrassment.

The balance of power outweighed in my favor as your crying shell seeped more into the floor like a puddle of tar only pulling you down. Your dark hair covering your dark tear soaked eyes. So much pain...

My body stood above You. Too scared to reach out and too confused to help. Frozen in time. Frozen above You.

You lay there in all your pain and helplessness... too drunk to even recognize your own daughter. Too broken to see what was right in front of You.

I can only remember your hands grabbing for me. Claws clutching at me in the darkness reaching out to everything and anything possible. My arm throbbing in pain as your grip tightened around me as if begging for anyone to help you.

I was too young to recognize your pain. You lying below me... I couldn't comprehend your pain. Couldn't recognize your tears as anything but drunken stupor.

Now as I grow older, I can only feel sorry.

Not sorry for You... but to You.

Sorry for not being able to wrap my arms around you. Sorry for not being able to comfort your brokenness. Sorry for not wiping those tears from your face.

See, I was too young back then to protect You from your own fears... your own past.

Now, I have grown.

When You sink deeper into the bottle, you can reach out to me. I will be there to pull You out. Your claws that reached out to me back then... pleading for relief from your own tears. Reach out again.

I swear I will be there for You.

You are like my growing pains.

Constant and painfully real, yet once I wake up they are gone. These pains I felt growing up were just those. As soon as I grew, the pain went away and all that was left was your broken figure on the ground reaching out to me. This time... I reached down to You.

I use to look down at You.

Now I wish to be there for You.

Always and forever... my role model.