LATE MARCH 20, 2015: A DAY BEFORE MALIK'S BIRTHDAY
• M A L I K •
Alone I stand. Feeling the strong but still gentle breeze passing through my body.
I stood still and firm, unwavering. My body was so unmoved, like it was a statue made of marble, like the ones Tre shows me he wants to visit with me someday.
Somewhere in Paris or Rome.
It'll happen someday...
Even if it's ten years from now or sooner if they let me off probation, Imma make it happen for him.
"I still miss you," I said low to myself, feeling my warm tears slide down my face as my eyes locked in on the name on the familiar headstone.
I hugged and sniffed the two dozen, blood-red roses then sat them down on Tasha's gravesite, taking a seat next to them.
Noticing the older, almost decayed flowers. They were calla lilies and roses, so I know it was Tre and my baby girl who put them here.
I know for sure they're probably the only ones who visited her while I was gone.
A sigh escaped me as I rested my arms on my knees; my head buried into them.
The anniversary of her death is just a few hours beyond midnight of my birthday.
I don't know how to feel about my birthday anymore.
It doesn't feel right to celebrate, although my sister and Tre tell me that I should be proud and enjoy my day even if the next one is filled with tears and grief.
That they'll be there to celebrate with me and cry too.
Enjoy today. Live in the present.
New motos for myself.
A wave of sadness fell over me as I turned my head to face her, it was still resting on my knees. "Ladybug is doin'—I don't know to be honest," I started. "She miss you. She really need you. I think—I'm not enough," I spoke honestly.
"I try not ta think et...n therapy is helpin' me a bit, but—I struggle. Especially seein' how much my baby is hurtin'. N I can't do nothin' about it 'cuz I can't bring you back," I paused, letting my words rest for a minute, allowing my mind to catch up.
"Imma keep tryin' tho," I blinked away tears as I looked out into the distance. "She gon' be better than us I promise you et shit," I smiled. "I promise,"
"Mali jus turned one," I started smiling big. "Shit is really crazy, Tash," I perked up, whipping my head around towards her gravestone.
My smile dropped a bit because oftentimes I forget she's not sitting next to me like we used to when shit wasn't complicated.
When we were young and dumb, smoking, laughing about random shit.
Now life is so fucking complicated.
Nobody said being an adult would for real suck this bad.
"Imma start bringin' her here ta see you. I'm sorry I ain't done it yet—she needs ta know who ha mama is," I sat up. "Speakin' of mamas—Tasha show yo mama a sign or sum. She's gettin' on my nerves, bruh. Why is she always like es?"
"Look, I know I probably woulda been battlin' you too if you was still hur 'bout the shit, but you ain't. We don't live in a world of what-ifs. We live in reality,"
So, if you can hur me, please do me es one thing, Tash. You know it's fa the best. You know she can't lose me too," I wiped my eyes.
Another deep sigh escaped as I stood to my feet.
