𝐈 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮

Jonesy

My head was pounding and my heart had lurched up into my throat. I felt humiliated and stupid; angry with myself for having been so stupid. So naive.
  I should've known better, I should've caught the signs. I was able to pick out the tiniest change in behavior in any player on my team. Their tell. Yet somehow I had been so blinded by everything else about Althea had given me to notice hers.
  She had given me loyalty, commitment, friendship, and what I wanted to assume was her love. I had been so deprived of those things for so long that the smallest amount caused me to forget the other important things needed in a relationship.
  She wanted to hide us, to only be seen within a trusted group of friends. She was still so afraid of what her family would think that she didn't care what I might think. How was she expecting this to play out? Had she assumed I would be okay with it? That I would simply get over the fact that she had lied to me and let me believe her lie for weeks?
  I stormed out of the performance hall, my ears ringing. I stopped by the water fountain, trying to rid myself of the nausea growing in my stomach.
  "Jones, are you okay?" I heard Bela's voice before I saw her. I spun around and found equal looks of concern and sympathy on both hers and Sterling's faces. Had it been any other moment, I would've found it funny that Sterling had dragged Bela out and forced her to watch the show; but right now, all I wanted to do was throw up.
  Sterling gently placed her hand on my arm. "We saw what happened and sort of put the pieces together. Are you alright?"
  Fucking hell. If they had been able to put everything together and understand what had just happened, who knows who else did.
  It wasn't as if we had been subtle about it.
  "I just-I just need some air." My pulse quickened and I could feel sweat forming on my skin. "This space is getting too small and I can't breathe-"
  I pushed through the doors leading out to the parking lot and heaved as my lungs filled themselves with the cold December air. Crouching down, I placed my hands over my knees; there were so many emotions floating in my mind, I was having trouble grabbing just one to focus on.
  After a few minutes, I felt the slight pressure of someone's hand running up and down my back. It felt familiar, homey, and I welcomed the comfort.
  "Jonesy?"
  I shot up and away from her hand. Anger. That was the emotion I could focus on right now.
  "What?" I shouted at her and she flinched. "What more could you possibly want from me, Althea? Haven't you done enough?"
  She folded her hands together and took a fearful step towards me. "I didn't mean for this to happen." Her voice was soft and painful. "It wasn't supposed to go this way.
  "Ha!" I laughed. "I agree! You were supposed to tell them! You were supposed to have stood up to them weeks ago!" Laughter bubbled up in my chest. "I asked you if this was what you wanted." I jabbed my fingers into my chest. "If I was what you wanted."
  I could feel the red hot sting of tears pooling in my eyes. "You said that I mattered to you more than the approval of your parents; the people who would rather you shove this part of you into a box so you could be their picture perfect daughter. The perfect pawn."
  Althea retracted her step and swallowed. She had no words to say but her face spoke for her. I had hurt her; my words were true, but they were sharp. She knew what I said was true, just like I did.
  We stared at each other in silence for several long seconds before she opened her mouth but I cut her off. "No-it's still my turn to speak." I ran a hand through my hair. "I wanted you to want me more than you wanted their love, their attention. You crave it, you can't live without it."
  I could see the glisten of tear streaks on her face; her beautiful tormenting face. She was trying her best to keep her composure but I could see her fingers were curled into a fist, her nails digging into the palms of her hands, and her knuckles turning pale.
  "Why wasn't mine enough?" A sob cracked my voice and I pressed my fist to my mouth.
  "Your what?"
  I stared at her incredulously. Was she purposely playing dumb or did she really just not know? After all this time, could she seriously not know? It was honestly laughable.
  "My love, Althea." I whispered, lowering my eyes to the ground. "Why wasn't my love enough for you?"
  "I didn't know that you loved me..." Her own whispered voice trailed off.
  Anger boiled up inside me again. "Don't lie, don't you fucking dare." There was no way she couldn't have known, it was clear as day to our friends. Hell, even Aiden had known from the beginning.
  We stood there in more silence, staring at each other. A wave of deja vu flooded me, and I thought back to the first night we met, back to that first smile. That first kiss.
  That stupid fucking kiss.
  "I'll be gone by the time you get back, don't come looking for me." I turned to leave but felt the tug of her hand on my arm.
  "We're over?" Althea's eyes were pleading and her words desperate. "This doesn't have to change anything, Jonesy."
  She couldn't be serious. This changed everything.
  "You're kidding, right? You lied to me, you lied to our friends. You said you had come out to your parents, you put me in a position that I told you I never wanted to be in. Do you remember? Do you remember how I said I didn't want to be your secret?"
  I grabbed her elbows, trying to shake some sense into her. My eyes searched her almost black ones that were brimming with tears.  "I can't do this."
  "Please! We can fix this...I was going to tell my parents tonight! I can tell them now." She grabbed a fistful of my shit. "Please don't leave me, Jonesy."
  I scoffed and worked my jaw. "You still haven't told them. You still have not said the words "I'm gay" to your parents. You-I..." I was at a loss for words. This could seriously not be happening right now.
  Althea reached up and turned my face to hers. "Because I wanted to find you first; I had to tell you how important you are to me, that I was willingly choosing you over them."
  I shied away from her touch and felt my heart crack at the look on her face. "It's too late, Althea." I exhaled and shook my head. "It's too late, sweet girl." I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her forehead before pulling away.
  She didn't say anything. She didn't chase after me. She didn't even call my name, like I was silently hoping she would. All I heard were muffled sobs.
  I made my way to my car and sat in silence, my keys still in my hand. I stared at them and thought about starting my car and driving for miles and miles with no destination in mind.
  Flashbacks of the tears in her eyes flooded my mind. She was in the wrong, I was the one who had been hurt. I should be the one crying, and yet I couldn't help but feel bad for making her cry.
  My words had come out harsher than I had anticipated, each one hitting her with the weight of a truck. Should I have given her the chance to explain herself? Should I have heard her out? Given her the chance to speak?
  No. There was nothing she could say that would justify this. The entire performance hall had seen me make a fool of myself. I had let my guard down and slipped up.
  But here I was feeling bad for hurting the one who had hurt me. The one who was actively hurting me and I felt bad for making her cry.
  A part of me wanted to go back to her and forgive her. To kiss away her tears and tell her it was alright, that we could start over. Tell her I didn't want to lose her, that I couldn't live without her.
  Another part of me never wanted to speak her name; I could forget her. I could just chalk this up to just another unsuccessful relationship as a result of having a dead girlfriend and move on. I had done it before with other girls, it shouldn't be that hard to do it once again. I could just pretend she was just another girl who saw me as a notch in her bedpost, another item on their bucket list that they could check off.
  But Althea wasn't like those other girls and I would be a fool to even think of comparing her to one. She saw me in a way no one else had even come close to. Outside of my close knit group of friends, she was the only other person I had told about my mother's drinking habits.
  She was the only one I had let touch me in ways no one else had in years. I even wrote a fucking song for her.
  Maybe that's why her betrayal hit so hard. I had told her all of these things I had hated and she had done them anyway. Publicly.
  My phone buzzed multiple times and I dreaded what I would see when I fished it out of my pocket. There were several social media tags and after a moment of staring, I finally pressed on one.
  The tag took me to a video replaying the moment I realized just how unimportant I was to the most important person in my life. The video zoomed in on my face and I saw just how devastating that moment had been.
  The betrayal was plastered all over my face. I saw the anger grow in my body as I watched my mouth move as I connected the dots. I saw the slight movement of Althea's hand as she fought against herself to reach for me. The same way I had fought against myself to reach for her.
  The comments were of laughing emojis and tons of confused questions. Many were confused about the fact that we were even together, they were shocked at the fact that I was kissing her. They were horrified that she didn't kiss me back.
  They were calling her names. Slut. Player. Tramp. They were calling me names. Idiot. Stupid. Naive.
  I angrily shut off my phone as my friends began calling me; I didn't want to speak to them. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I just needed to get away; away from this stupid college, away from this stupid town. Away from her.
  I jammed the keys into the ignition and turned the volume of my music up as my car purred to life. And then I drove with no destination in mind.