𝐈 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮

Jonesy

Friday night I got my heart broken for possibly the third time in my life. The first time was when my parents split up and fought over custody for years. The second time was when Amaiah died.
  I don't know if those necessarily counted as heartbreak but it definitely felt as if my heart had been shattered.
  But this time, it was different. It was a new type of pain. Maybe it was because Althea just didn't want to be with me and Amaiah had simply died.
  If she was still alive, we would still be together. I had told myself that for the first two years after her death. If that stupid driver had looked where he was going she would still be here and I wouldn't be here experiencing this new kind of pain.
  If my parents hadn't split up, I wouldn't have been left alone with my mother that night. She wouldn't have thrown me out, I wouldn't have called Amaiah, and she wouldn't have died.
  My life was full of "what ifs" and "maybes." Stupid butterfly effect.
  After driving around Westbrooke for what seemed like hours, just replaying that awful night in my head, I finally decided where I needed to go.
  Friday night there had been a snowstorm, at least a few inches of snow had fallen. The roads were almost completely covered, making it practically impossible to drive on.
  I knew I wouldn't be making it to Fairmont anytime soon, so I stopped by the nearest hotel. After checking in, I headed to the bar that was across the street and decided to drink away the pain. Obviously, that did nothing to ease the ache in my heart.
  Going back to my hotel room, I showered, trying my best to wash the night off me. I then laid in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours. I had thought about calling Althea, just to hear her voice.
  My thumb hovered over her contact. What if she was angry with me and didn't want to talk? What if she did want to talk? What would I say? What if she didn't answer at all?
  I didn't know which one was worse. Althea had never been one to raise her voice, but the things I had said and the way I had said them; I would want to scream if someone said those to me.
  I decided against it. Calling her wouldn't do anything but make me wish I was there with her, having this conversation face to face. Not that there was much left to say.
  Saturday morning. The snow had stopped and been plowed to the side. I pulled my car onto the road and silently thanked Sterling for making sure we had all gotten our snow tires. I had almost called the rest of the gang, just to let them know I would be gone; but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Not even Bela. I did see that I had however called my brother during my drunken stupor.
  Bela was the type of person who liked to put on this persona of being super childish and sarcastic, but when it came down to it, she was one of the most attentive listeners I had ever met.
  My phone buzzed, interrupting my music. It was Kelli, Stella's mom. How did she even know? I hesitated, debating on declining the call or just letting it go to voicemail, but knowing Mrs. R. she would call until I inevitably picked up.
  "Hello?"
  "Jones! Hi, baby! Hey, where are you?" I could hear the faint sounds of her bar music playing in the background. She was calling me from work?
  I squinted my eyes, trying to read which city I had just passed. "Somewhere between Westbrooke and Fairmont."
  I heard Kelli snort. "Do you have a plan? Your friends are all super worried about you. Stella said something had happened with that girl you were dating; what was her name? It was something really pretty."
  I worked my jaw and my hold on the steering wheel tightened. "Yeah, we uh...we broke up."
  "Aww man, she was really nice. I thought you guys were so cute together, she seemed really good for you. Do you want to talk about it?"
  No, not really.
  "There's nothing much to say, really. I thought we had something, so I let my guard down. She lied and we ended things."
  Correction, I ended things. Did that still give me the right to act heartbroken? If I had been the one to call it quits?
  "That's a shame. She was such a nice girl, and you needed a nice girl in your life." Kelli mused quietly. I had to agree with her, but "nice girls" didn't lie to their girlfriend for weeks or put them in essentially a dangerous position.
  Being gay in America was already bad enough and then to throw homophobic parents into the mix on top of that?
  "Yeah, well, what can I say? Things happen and you move on." I pulled into a gas station and sat at the pump.
  "Is that what you're doing? Moving on?" Kelli asked. "Ignoring your friends and leaving town. That's all part of your plan to move on?"
  I groaned and pressed my palms into my eyes. "I don't know, okay. I don't have a whole five step plan figured out. I just know that these sort of things keep happening to me, so maybe it's best if I'm alone for a while. Maybe I have some personal growth and healing I need to do."
  Kelli was quiet for a few moments and I almost thought she had hung up. I knew she didn't like when we raised our voices or snapped at her.
  "I'm sorry," I mumbled, picking at my cuticles. She sighed deeply and I could already see her shaking her head.
  "No, no. Don't apologize. I understand that this is extremely frustrating, but I wouldn't say this is your fault, Jonesy. You couldn't have known she would do this, just like you couldn't have predicted the rest would do what they did either."
  "But what if this is my sign to just stop dating all together? I mean, I must have shitty taste in women." I scoffed.
  "Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Who knows? Who cares? You're young, only twenty-two. You have the rest of your life to figure that out, but you can't do this."
  The rest of my life. You know who had the rest of her life ahead of her? Amaiah. She was going to do great things with her heart of gold. She had wanted to become a secondary education teacher and go overseas to help orphans.
  The rest of her life had been spent in a crushed up car with me singing to her off key.
  "Can't do what?" I finally asked, already dreading her response.
  "Shutting down and shutting out your friends. They really care about you and they're falling apart without you." Kelli spoke softly, a wistful tone in her voice. "You're the glue that holds them together, without you they're a mess. Stella keeps asking me if I spoke to you and Bela is furious you haven't called her. They just want to be there for you, Jones."
  I inhaled deeply. I hated it when Kelli was right, I really did need to call them. But as of right now, there was only one thing on my mind.
  "I'm going to go see my mom." I didn't like the way my voice cracked at the mention of seeing my mother. I hadn't spoken to her face to face in almost two years. "I don't know what I'm going to say when I see her, but I know I have to; because what if I'm becoming like her? Everything about me is pushing people away and what if she can give me advice on how to stop before it's too late?"
  Taking life advice from an alcoholic? Oh, the irony.
  "Do you think that's best?" Kelli's question was quiet. I shrugged even though she couldn't see me.
  "I don't know, but whatever is-was-wrong with her, it's affecting my life, so I might as well go to the source of all my problems."
  I didn't even have the slightest hint as to what I was going to say when I saw Mallory again. The last time had been so heated and hostile, but she needed to know how badly she had fucked me up.
  Besides, it's been over two years, maybe she will be sober and coherent this time around.