Anti-Hero || Leah Clearwater

23 - Out of focus

"And I'll do anything you say
If you say it with your hands
And I'd be smart to walk away
But you're quicksand"

Treacherous (Taylor's Version) - Taylor Swift

The ride to the hotel was mostly silent until Felix asked her, "Are you okay?"

Leah didn't know how to answer him. Was she okay? No. The reason? She wasn't even sure herself. And he was the last person she could talk to about it.

She looked away from the cars whizzing past their taxi and asked him, "What is a Shelter?"

Felix glanced at the driver, who seemed engrossed in a phone conversation. Leah could clearly hear his interlocutor on the other end.

"Very often we are transformed against our will," Felix started, "there are two different schools of thought: there are those who believe that once transformed, one can control oneself enough to understand what he or she is doing, whether it is right or wrong, and those who believe that the first months of 'life' are impossible to control."

"What do you believe?" Leah asked him.

"It depends. Actions speak louder than words. If, after a couple of months, you continue to behave as you shouldn't," Felix looked at the driver again, making sure he wasn't eavesdropping, "It's hard for you to change. Change requires a great deal of willpower that not everyone is capable of having. In my experience, I can tell you that it's really rare to meet someone willing to change."

She thought about Carlisle Cullen. Leah was aware of how rare what he had created with his family was. Vampires or not, she had never doubted the ethics of his choices. She would never understand the appeal of drinking blood from another... creature, but it was also true that she would never be a vampire.

"So, Shelters help those who have just been transformed and need... support, if you will. Aro has never looked kindly on this type of organization, but he cannot deny how effective they are. They save us uncomfortable work and ensure that different vampires learn right away what it means to live by our laws."

Leah nodded. Fortunately, the conversation had entertained her enough to reach the hotel. When they reached their room, she immediately took refuge in the bathroom and with trembling hands pulled out the phone from her pocket.

Should she write to Nadia to hear what she wanted to say to her? Or was it better to wait?

Her hands were shaking so much that she could hear the light buzzing in her ears that preceded the moment she would shift.

It hadn't been too long since she had transformed last time, but all that agitation was pushing her to the edge.

And she couldn't transform there, especially since she would have had to explain to Felix what had made her so nervous.

She turned on the faucet and splashed some water on her face, taking deep breaths.

If she couldn't transform, there was only one thing that would distract her enough from her thoughts, at least for a while.

She dried her face and returned to the room, her breathing more controlled, the trembling almost over.

Felix was at the computer, on one of the sofas in the small living room of their suite, the sound of his fingers on the keyboard indicating that he was writing an email.

Leah cleared her throat and he briefly looked up from the screen, "Is everything okay?" he asked her. Leah must have painted every thought that was going through her mind on her face at that moment.

"Yes," she lied, "Do you have much more work to do?"

Felix seemed surprised by her question for a moment. "Not really, I'm trying to anticipate the-"