My memoir as a monster

painful habit (TW)

In the 5th grade the stress from bullying and mental abuse from bullies started to effect me in a very negative way. It was getting so bad to the point there i needed something to put all that anger and hurt emotion into. I just wanted to stop hurting at any cost. So I started using my finger nails to scratch my arm. I inflicted physical pain onto myself so I could forget the mental situation I was in. I know that isn't the best thing to do but I had no one to turn to. It was my only choice I had.

However overtime the fingernails wasn't enough so I went to mechanical pencils. Then they went to thumbtacks. I actually have scars on my hand now thanks to it. I knew what I was doing was wrong in many ways but it made the pain go away so I honestly didn't care. Is it wrong yes but I was so desperate to try to help the pain go away to the point where physical equalled no mental break down. I know this is a lot to take in but it almost got worse than this. Let's just say when your depression is at its peak the brain likes to go to dark places. The places others would hate me for.

When I was in my early teen years my depression was at a breaking point. Between the custody battle going on at the time. The trauma from the bullying. Having to go to a new school for the first time. The pressure and stress was to much for me. In fact it got so bad to the point where my life was almost cut short by my own hands. I was so broken I wanted to just end the pain. Even if it meant taking measures into my own hands.

I was watching TV downstairs one night and I was just pondering on everything going so fucking wrong. My heart was hurting and so was my head. I saw a knife on the TV stand I held the knife to my throat but I heard a noise upstairs so I put the knife back and ran upstairs. I know all of this sounds bizarre. Why didn't I talk to my mom it's because she had her own stress and I didn't wanna add to it. Basically I couldn't be trusted alone in the kitchen for awhile. Though this wasn't the only time ending it came to my mind.

There was a lot of family issues going on at this point in time I was only a sophomore. There was so much drama me being looked downed upon by my step dad. To the arguments I didn't know what to do. I also was just back at school after getting suspended too as well. My heart at this point was basically a void. Happiness wasn't a thing at all. All I felt was pain and suicidal thoughts. Luckily I didn't try to do anything this time but the pain I was feeling was undescribable. I just wanted a friend to confide in but I didn't even have that.