The Assistant (english)

15.

!!!TW (Mention of Stillborn Children)!!!

"Say it..." she asks me.

"I feel so strangely empty since we aborted it. I had no bond with the child, but my body did. And it signals to me that something is missing. It's probably just the hormones, but it weighs on me... I still stand 100% by our decision because the child shouldn't come into the world like that, but I still miss it. Does that make sense?" I turn to her, and she looks back at me.

"Hard, but yes. I can understand what you mean, but I have one question..." I nod slightly. Fear spreads within me. Fear of not being able to answer the question. I shouldn't have brought up the topic...

"Why did you lie then? You wanted to keep the child from the beginning, why? And why did you decide against it in the end?" I turn my gaze back to the sky. I knew this topic would come up in our relationship eventually, but was I ready to trust her with it?

"B-because I-I've experienced it myself..."

"What do you mean?"

"There have already been three abortions in my life... Once my little unwanted sibling, then my stillborn child, and lastly this one..." Helena looks at me in shock and sits up straight.

"My parents didn't want another one, so they aborted it. And my own stillborn child... I was still a child myself... at 16. I had sex very often with my boyfriend at the time because it was important to him, but we couldn't necessarily have a stable relationship that way. In any case, it happened as it should, and I got pregnant. I ran away from home, far away where no one knew me. There, I met Mia, did my training, but my body couldn't handle my stressful daily life and rejected what was foreign to my body... Except for Mia, as often, no one knew and still knows." Silent tears run down my cheeks.

"What about your parents?" Hellie asks to distract me for a moment.

"Still live there, as they did 6 years ago, I think... I have no contact anymore." She slides onto my lounge chair and cuddles up to me, with her head on my chest.

"What made you change your mind, darling?" She lifts her head briefly to look at me.

"Your eyes. You were overwhelmed and not ready. I put myself in your position... You have a house, dogs, children, a partner, a job, and so much more. You have everything to be happy. One more child would-"

"-Would make the family perfect because it's from you. Because it's with you. Yes, I was overwhelmed, and yes, I wasn't ready, probably still am not, but we would have made it. If you had told me earlier, we should have mentioned it. This completely breaks you mentally, especially since you miss your stillborn child and still haven't moved on. Oh baby..." She strokes my arm while tears run down my face. I feel bad and even emptier because I've spoken it aloud for the first time, but somehow a huge burden was lifted the moment she cuddled up to me.

Today, just a short chapter, but one with a very sad topic. I wish all the people who have had to experience something like this a lot of strength 🤍

Yours, Kaydi