The Way I Loved You

The Lone Star

"Hyunwoo! HYUNWOO!"

Haein shook her husband awake, her voice tight and panicked.

"Hm? What is it?" Not fully awake, he stretched out his arm to hug her closer.

"I'm bleeding."

She'd woken up in the middle of the night feeling sick to the stomach. She wasn't physically ill, but she felt like something was so horrendously wrong that it made her want to throw up. It was that feeling of dread that weighed her down like a bowling ball.

Her words took a moment to sink in.

Haein. Blood. The baby.

His eyes shot open and he jolted up like a bolt of lightning.

"Are you okay? Does anything hurt?" He cupped her cheek gently, his eyebrows knitted with concern. Yes, he cared about his baby, but he cared about her more.

"I don't know." She said shakily. "We need to go to the hospital."

"Of course. Get changed and I'll drive us there."

They both got dressed hurriedly, not caring that they looked dishevelled from being awoken in the middle of the night. All that mattered was that they get Haein to the hospital.

The car ride was completely silent except for the low purr of the engine. Hyunwoo was too busy trying to split his attention between the road and his wife to talk, and Haein was still in shock.

She felt numb. If someone had pinched her in that moment, she probably wouldn't even have flinched. Her hands hovered subconsciously over her stomach, almost scared to touch her own skin.

Honestly, she was glad. If she hadn't felt so numb, she would have broken down into tears the moment the doctor delivered the news. Seeing Hyunwoo cry, she knew that it would have been a lot more difficult for them if she let her emotions get the best of her. Hyunwoo was always the more emotional and sensitive one out of the two of them. He cried so hard that Haein wanted to shut him out- shut the pain out before it could reach her heart and destroy her from the inside.

"Let's go home." She said monotonously, walking out alone and leaving Hyunwoo to trail despondently behind her.

She clenched her fists so tightly that it left angry half moon imprints in her palm. Anything to distract her from the excruciating pain that was slowly but surely creeping into her heart.

Haein couldn't bear to look at Hyunwoo. It would hurt too much. She loved him so much that seeing him in pain shattered her heart into a million pieces. Hyunwoo who was so happy that she was pregnant that he sobbed for a good twenty minutes. Hyunwoo who was so excited that he began designing the nursery the moment they got back from their first doctor's appointment. Hyunwoo who was always looking out for her but was extra attentive when she was pregnant. It destroyed her knowing that she ripped his happiness away from him.

It's all my fault.

Maybe if she'd done something different, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if she had stopped working late into the night just like Hyunwoo said. Maybe if she had done more research on supplements and started taking them earlier. After all, she bore the sole responsibility of caring for their baby.

Yet, she had failed. She failed her baby and she failed the person she loved most.

She almost wished he would resent her. If he did, maybe she would feel less guilty. But like the perfect husband that he was, all he did was constantly ask if she was feeling okay and if she needed anything. There wasn't a hint of anger in his eyes, just concern.

Here he was caring for her when he was dealing with grief himself. He was always selfless like that. Why did he have to be so perfect? Meanwhile her mistakes had just cost their child.

She was angry at the world. Why did this have to happen to them? What did they do wrong to deserve it? Most of all, she was angry with herself. The guilt killed her, and she dealt with it the only way she knew how: by lashing out at the people around her.

"I know what you're thinking. You think it's my fault isn't it?"

If he didn't resent her, she would make him. She knew that his pure heart would definitely blame himself for not taking care of her better. She wanted him to hate her instead, to take the blame off himself.

"I never thought that way. I'm just as sad as you-"

"Don't lie. I know you want to say that it's my fault!" Her voice cracked with grief.

"Forget it. I can't talk any sense into you."

And he was gone.

Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears, and his expression morphed into a blur, but his tone was enough for her to know how he felt. He was finally angry at her.

She stumbled back to the room they once shared, her legs giving way beneath her as she sank to the ground. Sobs shook her chest until she was gasping for air, her heart clenching painfully.

It hurt. It hurt so much to watch the movers remove every sign that their baby existed. It felt like she was throwing their baby's existence away as if it was just another invoice.

But it hurt more to walk by that door every day on the way to their room and remember what they'd lost. And the excruciating guilt whenever she made eye contact with Hyunwoo. He was the most precious person who should have been able to raise his child happily without her ripping it away.

Haein had spent countless sleepless nights crying herself to sleep, but it was not comparable to the feeling of betrayal when she returned to discover that Hyunwoo had moved all his things out of their room.

All at once, she'd lost everything. First her baby, then the love of her life. And she only had herself to blame. Despite their ups and downs, Hyunwoo had always been the unwavering pillar of support for her, but he too had finally realised her shortcomings and left.

Why couldn't he be more understanding? Why couldn't he comfort her and tell her that she was wrong for thinking that of him? Why couldn't he reassure her that everything would be okay and that he loved her? She desperately wanted him to say those words to her, but couldn't bring herself to tell him. How could she? Not when she didn't deserve it.

He used to support her no matter what. He was ready to support her for the rest of her life if she got fired as an intern before they even started dating. For the first time since she met him, she felt truly alone. Did he not love her anymore? Maybe their love wasn't bulletproof after all.