The Way I Loved You

Flickering Lightbulb

She was officially divorced with her husband, she shouldn't be missing him so much, but here she was standing in his room, staring at the bed where he'd once slept in every night. It still smelled like him, the bouncy mattress retaining his scent even though the sheets had been changed.

Every time she walked by his room, she still had the habit of peeking in through the small window, wanting to see him working at his desk or his feet sticking out beyond the wall by his bed. Even though it had been days since he moved out, her head still turned automatically every time she passed by, only for her heart to fill with disappointment when she remembered that he wasn't there anymore. Instead, the room was dark, cold and empty like the rest of the house.

She walked into his closet, realising that he hadn't taken all his suits with him. Running her fingers along the shelves, she looked through the suits as she recalled all the occasions when he'd worn them, looking dashing as always. What hurt a little however, was the observation that he'd taken all his personal items, leaving only what she'd bought him behind. All the university sweatshirts and other casual clothes he'd bought himself were gone, including the worn out pair of sneakers that she'd nagged at him to replace. The expensive Italian suits, the designer shoes, he'd left some of them behind.

Upon closer examination of his drawers, she found even more items that he'd left behind. Photo albums containing their photos, a small collection of mementos from their dates, and most importantly, his wedding ring.

Did he not think that any of these were worth taking with him? Of course not, who was she kidding? Why would he take any of these with him after the divorce? But it still pained her to know that their happy memories together were stuffed away in a drawer, never to see the light of day again. They had been so in love during their honeymoon, what would Haein and Hyunwoo from three years ago think if they knew what was to become of their marriage?

Unclasping the necklace around her neck, she removed the pendant, replacing it with his ring. It was a solid weight on her chest, resting just above her heart. It brought her the slightest bit of comfort, though she wished its owner was here too.

As she gazed wistfully at their smiling face in the photographs, her finger traced over his face subconsciously, remembering how he'd held her hand throughout the streets of Germany, refusing to let go for a second. He'd set out on a mission to kiss her at every place they visited, and he'd most definitely achieved his goal, if not more. She remembered the way he used to look at her as if she was his whole world, but that gaze had morphed into resentment years ago. How could she have let something so wonderful slip between her fingers? Now she would die with nothing but regrets.

The emotions weighed heavily on her chest, making it hard to breathe. How she wished she could turn back time and delete the message before she read it, to live in ignorant bliss until the end of time. Reality had hit her so hard in the face after her fairytale-like trip to Germany that she'd gotten whiplash.

It was as if fate wasn't done making her suffer for the night, for just as she closed the album with the intention to shut out all the sadness, a tiny monochromatic print fell out the back, falling onto the table. That was the last straw for Haein, for seeing that picture again after so long sent a shockwave of emotions radiating from her chest.

Dropping the album onto the table, she crumpled onto the ground, curling up into a ball as violent sobs shook her entire body. Ever since the day of the miscarriage, she'd refused to look at that ultrasound again. It was the only picture she had of their baby, and it hurt too much to remember what she'd lost. Her copy of it was stashed at the very bottom of her drawer somewhere, in a place where she would never stumble on it by accident.

The miscarriage: the moment where everything started to go wrong.

That night when they got home from the hospital, Haein got into the shower immediately to wash off the blood and the antiseptic smell of the hospital room. When she'd come out from the bathroom, Hyunwoo was waiting for her, sitting at the ottoman at the foot of their bed. Wordlessly, he'd held his arms out to her and he'd cried on her shoulder, holding her tight as they both fought through the sadness together.