The Way I Loved You

Even When My Mind Doesn't Remember, My Heart Beats For You

Her encounter with Hyunwoo at the funeral home had affected her more than she'd like to admit. It felt like he'd caught her in a moment of vulnerability, while her heart was still aching for the sisters who mourned their mother wholeheartedly. While she'd sat there with Na Biseo, her thoughts swirled in a restless hurricane as she observed her surroundings.

Was this what her funeral would be like? She had never gone to a funeral before so she didn't know. Her first would probably be her own. She could imagine the countless people in suit and tie mingling around, not to pay her their respects, but to see with their own two eyes that she was truly dead and gone, and of course to socialise with the other esteemed businessmen who were bound to grace everyone with their presence. The last stage of her life would be exactly as it always had been: a business transaction, just that she was watching on the sidelines for once instead of being actively involved in conversation.

It was a sad thought, to think that nothing would change in her cold world even when she died. She would die with that sense of unfulfillment, like she'd accomplished so much in this life but nothing at the same time.

She wondered if anyone would cry when they visited her. Perhaps Aunt Beomja would, for she seemed the only person in this family who had a heart. Her chest squeezed at the thought. She would miss her aunt when she left this world, for she was the only one who fussed over her and cried at the thought of Haein suffering from her illness. They'd had a special connection that no one else in the family understood, or cared about for that matter. As strong independent women, they'd forged their own paths and were the only ones who dared to step out of line and challenge the chairman. She was worried about who would keep her aunt company when she was gone.

Would Baek Hyunwoo cry? Would he even show up? She reckoned that he would, may it be out of guilt rather than a desire to pay his respects. He would probably come with his mother, and they would stay for a while, until he felt that he'd fulfilled his obligations as her ex husband and leave, feeling more relieved than anything that it was all over for good.

That idea hurt more than she'd expected. After all, she'd made him promise on the rooftop in Germany that he would cry for her, because she yearned for the validation that she was important to him, that she mattered. After feeling like he didn't love her for so long, all she'd wanted was one last reassurance that he did care about her, that he would miss her when she was gone.

Perhaps it was for the best that he didn't love her anymore. She'd been worried that he would be heartbroken when she died after seeing his teary eyes over the steaming cup noodles. She'd done her best to prepare for that by giving him a mission to carry out at her funeral, but maybe there wasn't a need for that anymore. Even after everything, she still loved him, because he'd been the one to colour her world with joy, and now she couldn't remember the monotonous grey before him. Maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world if he didn't love her anymore if that meant that he wouldn't be sad.

As much as she tried to comfort herself, it didn't change the fact that it was such a lonely thought, and she couldn't help but feel a little sorry for herself. Why was her life so pathetic? She'd fought the world to hold her head high and achieve what everyone thought she couldn't, but at the end of the day, she was still going into the ground alone to be forgotten like a bad memory.

Maybe that was why she felt the need to be cruel to him, to see him in pain when she'd unleashed all her resentment onto him after finding out what he'd done for her. She'd given him a glimpse into her heart so that he would know how he'd betrayed her, because at the end of the day, she just wanted him to feel sorry for losing her. It was because of him that she was as miserable as she was now, yet he had the audacity to tug at her heartstrings when he looked at her like that.