REMIND HER HER REMINDER

TIME

He told me to go kill myself just cause I wanted him more but I'm not showing enough i guess.
he scolded at me on a text just because I loved him more than he loved me Im so sure.
should I have been a fool or acted desperate??
Just cause i need us to work out !

He then asked me if I've ever fallen in love for two people at the same time ...I said yes cos he sounded like he was the one in that situation hopping one of the two would have been me .
Yet again I thought about it and I realized I was............

I was in love with two people at the same time .

I loved Wanaina I was in love with how gentle he was with my feelings but i loved me and Wanaina as strangers but once Ali got back to me I felt like I needed him more than ever.
I was scared ,i felt dumb,In my head I kept playing Lubale Nugents voice "i have a thing for my exes."
I wasted 5 years w Cuggy hoping he'd change or love me better
And I ain't tryna get through the same shitty cycle again

Well
Took a look at my heart and i dont want to hurt Wanaina so its best if i stay away and maintain the stranger bond forever maybe.

Now i missed being around him.But ive only seen him for 6 days .And i was so sad and broken we let it end and i was happy he came back ,
thinking he missed me ......
he came weak ...
harsh and i hated myself for missing and thinking we'd Ignite

But i still play our good memories...I tell my friends how much i love you ...i still think of you .I ease myself w thoughts of us .i thank God i have it in words so i can read it and fall again.

How i fell for you eh!!

Cos i dont think ill feel that any time soon .
Id rather dodge that emotion .
im scared of love

You asking about the white
He complained that im draining him financially just cos he paid for my hair and manicure.

Bro i aint trynna be in a relationship until i find someone who looks after me better than i would ....cos im okay .
Im pretty much okay with no man
I dont need a niggas money to keep me going:
I have the Lord ....

THE LORD IS WITHIN ME I WILL NO FAIL.

Im breaking down piece by piece though

I want to shout or maybe cry it out.
I dont even know
What calls for right or wrong 

Ive got alot on my plate.

I wish i was cheetah or panther or a vampire

I just want to grip on grief deeply  w long nails

i dont knooow

Love aint on my side
Money aint too
Mom is on my neck
Mom is sick
Mom isnt that stable again.
I have to clear my sisters fee
I have to take her for dates so she wont settle for less growing up as a teenager
Get her shopping ofcourse!!!
Ive got rent to pay
Ive got house shopping to make
Ive got places i really wanted to visit
I thought id get my make up items this month
Maybe start a skin care routine
I need new sneakers to heal me bett.

But my bank account wont let me
I broke up w the white dude...i cut ties cos i couldnt deal w it ...
But it killed me cos my mum always wanted me with a white

A white man lmao
She thinks a white man rubs away poverty in an african home
Im a "black men have my heart die hard" person
I want my kids
All black
W my pretty hair
Wait
before i get far
this is funny
Actualy so funny

Im not even in a relationship or situationship
My sneakylink and i fell i cant lie ,im just all by myself.
Holding tears in the inside ,yawning as i groan in distress.

I had ulcers today,i couldnt help not thinking of how shitty my 20s is..
Im scared as hell about my late 20s if this is how im still managing bills w the fact that you make your 40s in your 20s....

The usage and expediture is far way more than my capability.
I have to sacrifice alot for mama for baby sister for grandma too (anytime she crosses my mind o send her some cash just to keep her going cos shed never call for help when financially stranded ,i learned that growing up w her and ofc for myself..

What for myself??

I end up sacrificing for others
Always
I don feel bad about it
At all

But who will sacrifice for me?

When will I met someone who is going to ease my emotions .
Stop the world just for me .
Race the battle to win the medal of love !!!

Huh?!!!

Maybe a me .
Someone who understands me .
Who knows my needs
Who won't let me bleed
But make sure I breathe
Breathe peacefully
Though i know no other but Jesus

I should probably go hit a blunt then come watch a heartbreaking movie.......(intrusive thoughts)
Cry my lungs out cos it's too much to hold
Feel high and happy yet low and scared

365 times the Lord asks me not to fear ...that's a whole year ... weve only gotten Half the year and I feel like I've been stagnant since June started ....
I'm stranded .

I have to deal w this dark emotions on my own cos I know me better .I know I been through the darkest days that I prefer to rub them as a memory so it won't remember any of it .....instead of airing them out fot healing

So I can do it on my own ....slowly w time

I'll fight this battle
I'll build myself
I'll make sure my sister graduates
I'll settle my bills and mums
Eventually I'll build her her own place and get her a chauffeur .
Yes all the good stuffs
All for my mum
Ill manage grandmas too
Ill make it

Lazima tutoke kwa block!!!
Musti!!!

I dont know how
But getting to this point
Im all about affirming Psalms 46:7

Cos ive got no one else to b
Other than my Father

I just remembered im also having migraines.......went out w Nina ,Christine,Salome ,Dalvin and two more other friends.....
Got drunk and high....
Im so sleepy but i cant find sleep(clearly an early sign of depression and anxiety)
We had a small party
Me and Salome prepared food
Oh lawd it was delicious!
Later went to this private beach called Marina to see the sunset
We also played "chako"
It had me thinking two years ago id see my friends club and i never had any interest..
I even had to ask Esther if maybe im skipping a stage in my solemn life and she was right ....
Its time will come
And it did come
Im so happy for the circle i have.Better than sisterhood ,apparentely sisterhood had snakes...
Day by day i thank God for it.
For making sure Hes burning bridges thatll take me down .
I pray that with thiss small circle thats "pure happiness"to be filled w His favour.

Again .....

LORD I ONLY WANT WHAT COMES FROM YOU
TAKE AWAY WHAT ISNT MEANT FOR ME!