In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 5: Dark Matter

Chapter 225: Dear Cedric,

March 2, 1997

Dear Cedric,
   It's amazing how much you're still here, even though you've been gone for almost two years now. Ron was accidentally poisoned yesterday, and you're there with him in a sense, your jumper is helping heal him. I just got back from talking to your portrait about everything that happened yesterday, and you were able to offer me comfort in a way only you ever could. I got hurt on the full moon in January, and it was one of your healing books that helped Harry fix my broken collarbone. And the last time I was on the Quidditch Pitch by myself, I saw an osprey perch itself atop a Hufflepuff banner and just watch me for a minute. It hurts so much still, knowing that nothing will ever be the same, knowing that this yearning for you will never amount to anything, knowing that at the end of the day you're still gone and always will be, but lately I've been trying to cling to the pieces of you that remain, in your healing magic, in the portrait that looks and sounds like you, in the books that demonstrate just how desperately you wanted to help the hurting, in the ospreys that remind me of the happiness that you had in your life and the happiness you brought to everyone else's.
   There's another piece of you that remains, and it's something I've been consulting day and night for almost two months now: that book you gave me about memory. I've been thinking about memory a lot lately, more than I ever have before, and we both know I think about memory a LOT, far more than the average person. To make a very long story as short as possible, Harry and I have been having lessons with Dumbledore where we dive into Dumbledore's memories of Voldemort. I think Dumbledore hopes that the secret to defeating Voldemort lies within these memories, especially one he showed us after the winter holiday with Professor Slughorn. That memory was altered, though, so Dumbledore tasked me with trying to find a way to uncover the true memory, while Harry tries to get the real unaltered memory from Professor Slughorn himself. Anyway, as a result of all that, I've been reading that book you gave me for my birthday cover to cover, inside out, upside down, you name it, trying to find something that would be helpful. Applying it to the Daydream Charms was easy, but applying it to memories that have already been changed has proven to be a challenge. I've been conducting research in the library too, trying to find anything that would help, but I haven't made any progress at all.
That said, I have been making progress in another one of my... extracurriculars, if you will. Through a combination of Remus, Hermione, myself, and even you, it's been realized that werewolves have magical advantages that are linked to their Ilvermorny house. So, I've been training my magic unlike anything I've ever done before. It's no secret that under the twins' tutelage, I've always been a bit magically advanced in terms of the spells I know because they taught me, and of course because of you I always had a consistent source of reliable help when it came to the magic we learned in class, and helping Harry prepare for the Triwizard Tournament and lead Dumbledore's Army helped me refine the skills that you all taught me, but now I'm powerful in ways that are difficult even for fully-grown wizards to become. I still can't produce a patronus, though. For all of the incredible magic I've discovered since you've been gone, there's still a hole where you were that no amount of my magic can fill. I don't know if I'll ever produce a patronus again. I've been healing, I've found happiness again, and if the Lucy from June 26, 1995 could see me now, I know she'd be stunned by the fact that I'm still here and that I'm as happy as I am. Even so, the happiness I have now is different. The healing is incomplete, I don't think it'll ever be complete. I still don't know how to navigate this scary world without you. I still don't know how to cope with the emptiness you once filled. I've tried confronting it, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried filling it with things we once shared, I've tried filling it with new things we never shared, but nothing makes it any smaller.
   I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss you. But you already knew that. Everybody knows that. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I miss you.
   There's so much more I wish I could tell you. There's so much more I have to say. Now that I've started, I'm finding it so hard to stop. Talking to your portrait is one thing, but this, talking to you directly, even though I know you'll never read it, is something else entirely. Henry and I have been intentional about telling more stories about you, to each other and to other people, and that's been healing in its own way, but there are so many stories I want to tell TO you that I can't yet. I don't spend much time thinking about the afterlife as a rule, I need to focus on THIS life, but I still want to believe I'll see you again someday and I'll be able to tell you everything. In the meantime, though, I have these letters, and that's the best I can do for now, and I intend to make the most of it. You're the only person I can tell certain stories anyway — you're still the only person who knows I'm with Harry. I haven't even told your portrait yet.
   According to Henry, you weren't the biggest fan of mistletoe. I wasn't either, for a long time. Harry and I found ourselves under mistletoe before a Dumbledore's Army meeting and both jumped out from under it, prompting quite a bit of teasing from everyone after the fact. This year, though, we had a proper under-the-mistletoe moment, if you understand my meaning. It was just one kiss, and it didn't last very long, but I had an opportunity and I seized it. We've been finding ways to get alone time while still keeping our secret. The Room of Requirement and Marauder's Map have aided tremendously in that endeavor. I can't wait until we don't have to worry about sneaking around anymore. We're going to have hell to pay when we come clean, but it'll be refreshing to be teased for another reason. The "I can't believe you're not together yet" comments are getting old, even though they ARE funny. Ron is particularly exasperated, bless him.
   Speaking of Ron, I reckon you're overdue for a Gryffindor Quidditch update. Ron played a beautiful match against Slytherin, he was really the hero of the game even though Harry caught the Snitch and everyone keeps telling me I had a good performance too. Dennis filled in for Katie Bell, who's been in St. Mungo's for months because of an accident with a cursed necklace. With Ron in the Hospital Wing and Dennis already filling in for Katie Bell, Cormac McLaggen is going to be playing Keeper against Hufflepuff on Saturday. I intend to crush Hufflepuff, no offense, Ced. The rest of the team is planning on it too, because Zacharias Smith was the commentator for our match and he was an absolute prick. Ginny crashed into the commentary box after the match, it was one of the most glorious moments of my life. I have seldom felt more loved than I did in that moment.
   I know I've talked a lot about Harry, but you're overdue for updates about everyone else, too. I trust that Henry is keeping you properly updated about George and Fred and Archie and Gretch, so I'll focus on my friend group here at school still. Ginny still goes out on full moons with me, in her horse Animagus form in the forest. The past two moons have been difficult, but she's been so endearingly determined to try to keep up with me even when I'm running all over the damn forest. Hermione and I have become friends again, which is so nice. Unfortunately she isn't talking to Ron right now because she fancies him but he's with Lavender Brown (for now, anyway, I think the end is near because he said Hermione's name yesterday while semi-conscious, that was FASCINATING and I can't wait to properly gossip about that with Hermione and Ginny once Ron's feeling better). Ron has been doing well aside from the poison incident; at least he was able to open most of his birthday gifts before that happened. I'll take mine down to the Hospital Wing sometime, I reckon opening that will be a good way to pass the time.
I just realized that there's a part of you in everyone's birthday gifts this year, too. I adapted Daydream Charm magic into a person-specific interactive gift that draws on everyone's favorite memories of the person whose birthday we are celebrating. Pulling that off for both twins while trapped at school will be difficult, but I'm going to do my best to figure something out. Maybe this year I'll do the same for you. I know you'd never actually receive that birthday gift, but getting everyone together and doing that would be a nice way to celebrate the day.
I'm sorry this letter has been so terribly long, and I'm sorry I haven't written one in so many months. I didn't want to tell you about all of the ways the world is horrible without you, I've been quite stubborn about clinging to the positive and ignoring the negative as much as possible, and, well, nothing can ever be worse than the fact that you're not here. I realized today that you'd want to hear everything anyway, so here I am.
   You're still so missed. You're still so loved. You always will be.
   I hate ending these letters. I reckon that's part of why this letter is so long, too. I've missed this. I miss you. I love you.
   Love always, Lucy